Taking The Time

Review: Stretch Marks

2009-10-15T16:29:00.008-05:00

STRETCH MARKS
Kimberly Stuart
David C. Cook
Fiction
ISBN: 9780781448925

Reviewing for: FIRST Wild Card
Tour Date: Before October 31, 2009
Author’s Website: Kimberly Stuart

Back Cover:

My Review:

Review: Its Not About Him

2009-09-28T06:31:00.010-05:00

ITS NOT ABOUT HIM
Michelle Sutton
Sheaf House
Fiction
ISBN: 9780979748578

Reviewing for: CFBA
Tour Date: September 28
Author’s Website: Michelle Sutton

Back Cover:

My Review:

Fall Into Reading 2009

2009-09-22T01:15:00.001-05:00

Easy Enchilada Casserole

2009-09-03T17:18:00.005-05:00

I don't know what's wrong with me, but I can't stop. Maybe now that I have all this time at home, I have time to try new recipes. Add this one to the list...

Easy Enchilada Casserole (from Megan @ Fried Okra)

2 lbs. ground beef
1-15 oz. can tomato sauce
1 can mushroom soup
1-10 oz. can mild enchilada sauce
8 oz. cheddar cheese, grated
8 oz. mozzarella cheese, grated
12 corn tortillas

Brown and drain ground beef. Stir in tomato sauce, soup and enchilada sauce. Heat through. Cut tortillas into small pieces. In 9 X 13 pan, layer 1/2 the tortilla pieces, 1/2 hamburger mixture and 1/2 cheeses. Repeat layers (end with cheese). Bake at 350° for 30 minutes.

Vicki's Quick, Easy, & Delicious Enchiladas

2009-09-03T08:53:00.001-05:00

Vicki's Quick, Easy, & Delicious Enchiladas

1 lb ground beef (remember, I have mine pre-cooked in the freezer)
1 can cream mushroom soup
1 can enchilada sauce
8 oz shredded cheese
corn tortillas
*onion
*4 oz diced green chiles

1. Heat cooked meat in skillet, add soup and enchilada sauce.
2. Add chopped onion and green chiles if desired. 3. Bring to a boil & simmer about 20 minutes. 3. Fry tortillas in small amount of oil about 5 seconds each, fill with cheese, roll up.
4. Place in sauce and heat just long enough for cheese to melt. Serves 4.

El Dorado Casserole

2009-09-03T08:52:00.002-05:00

El Dorado Casserole by recipegoldmine.com this makes a lot
easy and uses few dishes

1 lb ground beef (remember, I keep this in the freezer already browned)
1 med onion, ch.
1/2 t garlic powder
16 oz tomato sauce
1 c sliced black olives
8 oz sour cream
1 c cottage cheese
3/4 c chopped green chiles
7 oz crushed tortilla chips
8 oz Monterey Jack cheese, shredded

1. Cook beef until browned. Drain. Add onion through olives. Cook over low until onion is clear. Combine sour cream, cottage cheese, chiles.
2. Layer half chips, meat mixture, sour cream mixture, and cheese in 2 1/2 qt casserole (no bigger). Repeat.
3. Bake at 350 30 minutes. Serves 8!

This Is Addicting

2009-09-03T08:39:00.005-05:00

...looking through all these recipes. This one, I make several batches every winter - pretty much using this same recipe, minus the chocolate coated candy and raisins. The big difference thought, is doing it in a crock pot. I will have to try that. Interesting....

FAMILY FAVORITE PARTY MIX

1 c. bite size crispy wheat cereal squares
1 c. bite size crispy rice cereal squares
1 c. bite size crispy corn cereal squares
1 c. peanuts
1 c. pretzel sticks
1/4 c. butter, melted
2 T. Worcestershire sauce
1 t. seasoned salt
1 t. garlic salt
1 c. candy-coated chocolates
1 c. raisins

Combine cereals, peanuts and pretzels in a slow cooker; set aside. Mix together butter, Worcestershire sauce and salts; gently stir into cereal mixture. Cover and cook on low setting for 3 to 4 hours.
Uncover and cook on low settings for an additional 30 minutes, stirring occasionally. Drain mix on paper towel-lined baking sheets; transfer to a large bowl. Cool. Add candy-coated chocolates and raisins; toss to mix. Store in an airtight container. Makes 7 cups.

One More

2009-09-03T08:20:00.003-05:00

Impossible Apple Pie

8 tart apples -- peeled, sliced
1 1/4 tsp cinnamon
1/4 tsp allspice
1/4 tsp nutmeg
3/4 cup milk
2 Tbsp. softened butter
3/4 cup sugar
2 eggs
1 tsp vanilla
1 1/2 cups Bisquick -- divided
1/3 cup brown sugar
3 Tbsp cold butter

Combine apples -- cinnamon, allspice, and nutmeg in slow cooker. Toss thoroughly. Combine milk soften butter, sugar, eggs, vanilla, and 1/2 cup Bisquick. Spoon over apples. Combine the remaining 1 cup Bisquick and brown sugar. Cut cold butter into mixture until crumbly. Sprinkle this mixture over top of apple mixture. Cover and cook on low for 6-7 hours until apples are soft.

Saving A Recipe

2009-09-03T00:23:00.007-05:00

Stephanie, over at Aggieland Mommy Cooks, participates in a meme called "Slow Cooker Thursday". I don't have any recipes to continue to this meme, but this recipe that she contributed some time back sounds WON-DER-FUL, and I want to try it. The best way for me to remember where I "wrote it down" is to post it right here at my blog. I will be trying it in the next day or or two, and will let you know how we liked it. Thanks Stephanie! You might hop over there and visit her blog. She has several different blogs - this one is devoted just to cooking. Lots of yummy recipes I saw as I skimmed through.

Taco Casserole (Crock Pot) from book: Fix It and Forget It
1 1/2 lbs ground beef, browned
14 1/2 oz can rotel
10 3/4 oz can cream of onion soup
1 pkg dry taco seasoning
1/4 c water
6 corn tortillas cut into 1/2" strips
1/2 c sour cream
1 c shredded cheddar cheese
2 green onions, sliced

1. Combine beef, tomatoes (rotel), soup, seasoning, and water in slow cooker.
2. Stir in tortilla strips.
3. Cover. Cook on low 7-8 hours.
4. Spread sour cream over casserole. Sprinkle with cheese.
5. Cover. Let stand 5 minutes until cheese melts.

To-Do Tuesday

2009-08-25T08:55:00.004-05:00

Tuesday
Fold Clothes
Blog Entry
Visit and Comment
Do entry(s) responding to comments left for me
Participate in a daily meme
Walk to the stop sign

Wednesday
Finish filling out survey papers
Call the various hospitals about payment
Walk to the stop sign
Fold clothes
Declutter 2 boxes from office
Blog Entry
Visit and Comment
Do entry(s) responding to comments left for me
Participate in a daily meme

Thursday
Walk to the stop sign
Fold clothes
Declutter 2 boxes from office
Blog Entry
Visit and Comment
Do entry(s) responding to comments left for me
Participate in a daily meme

Friday
Walk to the stop sign
Fold clothes
Declutter 2 boxes from office
Blog Entry
Visit and Comment
Do entry(s) responding to comments left for me
Participate in a daily meme

Saturday
Walk to the stop sign
Fold clothes
Declutter 2 boxes from office
Blog Entry
Visit and Comment
Do entry(s) responding to comments left for me
Participate in a daily meme

Sunday
Open Day

Monday
Walk to the stop sign
Fold clothes
Declutter 2 boxes from office
Blog Entry
Visit and Comment
Do entry(s) responding to comments left for me
Participate in a daily meme

My list repeats itself, but at this point in time, that is what I need. Consistentcy. I too embarassed to put "get dressed" on the list, but quite honestly, it should be there. There are days I literally don't get dressed, that I stay in my nightgown all day. Those are my "not so good days". Today I got dressed, did things around the house, AND walked to the stop sign (1/4 of a block), so in my book these days ... today was a GOOD day.

What’s on your to-do list this week?
For more To-Do Tuesday, visit Crazy Adventures in Parenting.

The Stop Sign

2009-08-25T00:51:00.001-05:00

I know for those of you who exercise regularly, and your routine is compounded of walking, you will walk several miles or for 30 minutes. I don't exercise regularly, and spending 21 days in the hospital really set me back to what I can and can't do. I lost alot of strength in my legs, not being able to lift them even high enough to get in my car now by my self. Or in the shower, which requires lifting my legs up and over the bathtub -- although, I am able to do it now, but its taken me 2 months to get to that point.

David has been after me (in a gentle way) to get up and be more active. He'll come home and say "are you ready?"...meaning, are you ready to go for a walk. When I haven't even gotten dressed, and feeling sleepy is the only thing I have felt all day, of course I'm not ready.

Today, I was ready. I got up and got dressed. I folded clothes, put dishes in the dishwasher, picked up things around the house. I worked on the computer and I was ready for him when he got home.

We left the house, walked down the sidewalk and out on to the street. Did I want to walk uphill and then downhill on the way back? or walk downhill first, and conquer the uphill on the way home? Its not a big hill, matter of fact, you don't even notice it...unless you are walking. I decided to tackle walking uphill first.

I walked to the stop sign.

And back home. A whole 1/4 of a block. Isn't that pathetic? And yet...baby steps. I came home, collasped in my chair, and cried. Granted, I've never been an athletic person at any point in my life, but ... 1/4 of a block? To the end of the street and back (we live in the middle of the block)? Thats all I could do. And yet, I have to stop and think. The middle of June, I had to use a walker to get around. And just recently, we had to buy a plastic thing to put on our toilet to raise the seat so I didn't get stranded sitting there, like I did one night (an hour and a 1/2, because I couldn't get my footing or the leg strength to get up off our toilet as it was).

Its been a path of baby steps all summer. Yes, I should have been walking to the stop sign months ago. But, I didn't. But, that shouldn't undo what I did tonight. Or what I will do tomorrow and the next day. Baby steps. Its the stop sign today. And tomorrow. But next month, maybe it will the highway (2 blocks) , or the downtown (3 blocks). Its just a matter of pushing myself just a little bit more and a little bit more. Thats all I can do.

Happy Homemaker Monday

2009-08-24T15:09:00.005-05:00

The weather in my neck of the woods:
Nice. In the 80's

One of my simple pleasures:
Cloud watching

On my bedside table:
Channel changer, pain pills, bottle of water, pair of scissors, diaper wipes, pill dispenser

On my TV:
Dr. Phil

On the menu for tonight:
Ham, scalloped potatoes, green beans

On my To Do List:
Get out and walk, keep laundry going, do the dishes

New Recipe I tried last week:
I didn't try any new ones last week :(

In the craft basket:
Sadly, blogging, reading, and journal writing have overwritten any crafts I used to do. My eyesight isn't good enough to do cross stitch anymore; and I've lost interest in crocheting.

Looking forward to:
HEALING !!!!!!! I have had a rough summer with an allergic reaction to Kelfex -- hundrededs of blood vessels all over my body. 99% of them have healed and right now have just left brown "age spot loooking" spots. But I have 5 of my legs, that can only be descriped as crater-looking spots. Big holes in m legs. 5 of them. And they hurt! and they are taking their sweet time healing!

Homemaking Tip for this week:
None, other than, never given up. Don't let housework overwhelm you, or you truly will become overwhelmed.

Favorite Blog Post of the week (mine or other):
Karen from Write from Karen blogs every day .. sometimes numerous times a day. And its not just mindless fluff. I always love what she has to say, and her thoughts weren't lost on me with this post: Setting Them Up To Succeed. She has 2 teenage boys, which I can relate to, having lived through the teenage boy life 10 years ago with my own teenage boys, as well as having one right now as well.

Favorite photo from last week:
:( Didn't take any. Really need to get on the stick with the my photo taking.

Lesson learned the past few days:
The more I walk, the more active I am, the better I feel ... physically, mentally, emotionally.

On my Prayer List:
The healing of my body, our minister search, the new secretary and her adjustment period, Ethan and his attitude, Sherry B., Bill H.

Devotionals, Scripture Reading, Key Verses:

We must pay more careful attention . . .
to what we have heard, so that we do not drift away.
Hebrews 2:1 NIV

If you lose your faith, you will probably do so gradually. You will let a few days slip bywithout consulting your compassw. Your sails wil go untrimmed. Your rigging will go unprpared. And worst of all, you will forget to anchor your boat. And, before you know it, you'll be bouncing from wave to wave in stormy seas.

And unless you anchor deep, you could go down.

How do you anchor deep? Look at the verse again: "We must pay more careful attention . . . to what we have heard. . . ."

The most reliable anchor points are not recent discoveries, but are time-tested truths that have held their ground against the winds of change. Truths like: My life is not futile. My failures are not fatal. My death is not final.

Attach your soul to these boulders and no wave is big enough to wash you under.

**Credit**
Grace For The Moment (July 24)
Max Lucado

Doing It Normally

2009-08-23T19:43:00.002-05:00

Oops. I was looking at my notes in the my Day Planner...and I forgot one other "highlight" of my day that made it a good day. This is going to sound really silly, but, when you are somewhat helpless to do something, and then you are able to do it, its exciting, because you were challenged and you achieve what you were trying to do.

What is this exciting new accomplishement? I got in and out of the shower standing up. I didn't even look too funny doing it. Up until this point, I had to get in the shower, bent over, using the tub for support, and stretching my leg out straight to get in. Even before that, I had to have David in there to help me get in and out.

So, to get in the shower, having the leg strength to do it the way you have to do it when you have a tub/shower, by bending your knee, lifting it up, and clearing the tub, and then doing the same with the other one ... for the first time in 2 months, I was able to do it as a normal person!

Thursday Tidbits

2009-08-22T19:10:00.005-05:00

Even though I was not looking forward to it, Thursday turned out to be a pretty good day. Thursday is the day we travel to Topeka to go to the Wound Care Doctor. The nurse takes a pair of tweezers and picks out the dead skin of the open wounds I still have left. They put deadening cream on them, but it still hasn't helped. So, needless to say, they have been appointments that I would just as school canceled or rescheduled, but David wouldn't let me (imagine that).

The open wounds must be healing because, even though it hurt, this appointment wasn't as bad as these last few have been. At least I didn't cry like I did the last 2. I won't say it didn't hurt, but I was able to tolerate it.

After the appointment, I had several things on my shopping list of things we needed to get. We needed to stop at Sam's and at Walmart. Then stop for a Bloomin' Onion at Outback (to go), and pick up chicken to take home for supper as well. The last time we did this, all that sitting in the car made me extremely uncomfortable going home. My legs had swelled (edema), the wounds hurt more because of the picking at them. I just hurt, and it hurt going home.

So, this time, I decided I wouldn't make that mistake. I would go in to the 2 stores, but we would either take a wheelchair and David could push me and I'd push the cart, or I'd get a motorized chair. The end result was -- which made it a red lettered day for me was -- I ended up walking both stores. Yes, I walked slower than David, but the fact still remainds, I walked the whole big store of Sam's (what I was wanting was in the back far corner). And Walmart, I didn't walk as much ... as much as we had spent at Sam's, it was one of those "get in get out, don't look around" kind of shopping. And what we needed was all in the pharmacy area. I got what we needed, and then sat down and waited for my prescription to be filled. We got it, and paid for our other stuff and left.

When we were waiting for our Onion, we got to talking about the prescription they had just filled. I had had the same prescription filled here in town just a couple of weeks ago. The only difference was it was for 60 pills, not 100. However, we only paid $15.00 for the 60 ... so you would think $57 for 100 is just a bit much. While we were waiting, I called our pharmacy at home, and asked them about it, and she said she thought it would be around $25. David said for $27, he would drive back across town to try and do something about it.

He called them and questioned them, but he was on the line for so long, we decided after we got our Onion, we would just head on over there, regardless of what they said on the phone. Surprisingly enough, they took the prescription back and gave him the doctor written script back so we could get it filled somewhere else.

I don't like making waves, and I probably wouldn't have in this instance either -- just learning from my mistake and going on. But, I was kinda glad David did make waves and we were able to get my prescription at the cheaper price at home!

Waves or not, I did good day, with the amount of walking I did. Now, to just continue doing so and maybe I will see some improvements in leg strength, if not in wound healing.

Review: Second Hand Jesus

2009-08-20T09:12:00.006-05:00

It is time for a FIRST Wild Card Tour book review! If you wish to join the FIRST blog alliance, just click the button. We are a group of reviewers who tour Christian books. A Wild Card post includes a brief bio of the author and a full chapter from each book toured. The reason it is called a FIRST Wild Card Tour is that you never know if the book will be fiction, non~fiction, for young, or for old...or for somewhere in between! Enjoy your free peek into the book!

You never know when I might play a wild card on you!

Today's Wild Card author is:

Glenn Packiam

and the book:

Secondhand Jesus: Trading Rumors of God for a Firsthand Faith

David C. Cook; New edition edition (June 1, 2009)

ABOUT THE AUTHOR:

Glenn Packiam is an Associate Worship Pastor at New Life Church and the Director of New Life School of Worship in Colorado Springs, Colorado. He was one of the founding worship leaders and songwriters for the Desperation Band. Glenn's worship songs, like "Your Name", "Everyone (Praises)", "My Savior Lives", and "We Lift You Up", are being sung in churches all over the world. Glenn is the author of Butterfly in Brazil. Glenn and his wife, Holly, and their two adorable daughters, Sophia and Norah, live in Colorado Springs.

Visit the author's website.

Product Details:

List Price: $14.99
Paperback: 224 pages
Publisher: David C. Cook; New edition edition (June 1, 2009)
Language: English
ISBN-10: 143476639X
ISBN-13: 978-1434766397

AND NOW...THE FIRST CHAPTER:

Thursday

Life couldn’t have been any better. We had been in our new house for just over a year, and it was almost time to start decorating for the holidays. Winter’s frost was just blowing in over the Rocky Mountains. These were days of sipping hot chocolate and looking back over a year of steady church growth, rapidly expanding influence, and a company of close friends to enjoy it with. On top of all that, my wife, Holly, and I were expecting our second child, another girl. Life was good and there was no end in sight.

And then it was Thursday.

Everyone was distracted at work. There were meetings going on, first upstairs and then off campus, and later on campus in an impromptu staff meeting. Internet clips kept us glued to the screen as we tried desperately to decipher truth, accuracy, and some reason to believe the best. But as Thursday soldiered on, doubt was sitting lower and more heavily inside me.

I remember the feeling when I got home. My heart was kicking against my chest with frantic irregularity as I ran up the stairs to our room. The sinking, tightening knot in my stomach seemed to sink with each step. I opened our bedroom door, and with breathless shock sputtered, “Babe, some of it’s true.”

I had just returned from an elders’ meeting where I learned that the seemingly absurd accusations leveled against our beloved pastor had enough truth in them to warrant his removal from office. On Friday, we learned that he would never be allowed back. By Sunday, we were sitting in church with hot tears racing down our faces, listening to letters that told us words we never thought we would hear. Our pastor had been a prominent national figure because of his role as president of the National Association of Evangelicals. He had been featured on Barbara Walters and other major news shows, had been called the most influential pastor in America. It was the biggest religious debacle in my lifetime. And it happened at my church. My church.

Thursday came and everything changed; my unshakeable “good life” became a nightmare of uncertainty. Would the church implode? Would everyone leave? Would I have a job next week? Could I ever get hired in ministry again? The songs, the influence, the success, the notoriety—it all became foolishly irrelevant.

Slowly, I replayed the past. The preceding years had been heady times. Our pastor’s meteoric rise to the evangelical papacy paralleled the growing muscle of a conservative Christian movement now beginning to flex in the public square. The young men who had helped build our church, myself included, now found themselves swimming in much bigger circles of influence. We were talking to the press, traveling to Washington DC, and dropping more names than Old Testament genealogy. We had become powerful by association. And it was intoxicating. We were like the eager young men in Tobias Wolff’s fictitious memoir of an elite prep school on the Eastern Seaboard, full of idealism and world-changing dreams.

It was a good dream and we tried to live it out, even while knowing that we were actors in a play, and that outside the theater was a world we would have to reckon with when the curtain closed and the doors were flung open.1

On Thursday, the theater doors flung open. The dream was over now. There was no thought of making an impact or changing the world. It was now about survival. How could we help our church stay intact?

As the days became weeks, it became clear that our church was made up of strong families who truly were connected to each other. It is a community akin to a small Midwestern town. So what if the mayor is gone? We’re all still here. I watched men and women rally together in a heroic display of Christ-like love.

It wasn’t long before the shock of scandal gave way to the discomfort of introspection. This was ultimately not about a fallen pastor; it was about fallen nature, a nature we all have lurking within us. It became less about the worst being true about him, and more about the worst being true about us. We began to allow the Lord to turn His spotlight, one more piercing than the light of any cameras, on our own hearts. Secret sins, recurring temptations, hidden pride all looked sinister in His light. There was no such thing as a little white anything. Every weakness was now a dangerous monster with the potential of ruining our lives. Couples began to have difficult conversations with each other, friends became more vulnerable than they had ever been. Honest was the new normal. That sounds so strange to say.

But far beyond discussions and confessions, one question, one I never thought I would have trouble answering, relentlessly worked its way to my core. It surfaced from the pages of Henri Nouwen’s book, In the Name of Jesus. Nouwen had been an influential theology professor at Harvard, living at what most would have considered the apex of his career. But something was wrong.

After twenty years in the academic world as a teacher of pastoral psychology, pastoral theology, and Christian spirituality, I began to experience a deep inner threat. As I entered into my fifties …I came face to face with the simple question, “Did becoming older bring me closer to Jesus?” After twenty-five years of priesthood, I found myself praying poorly, living somewhat isolated from other people, and very much preoccupied with burning issues.2

But Nouwen’s inner wrestling was largely unnoticed by those around him, which made it more difficult for him to accurately gage the condition of his heart.

Everyone was saying that I was doing really well, but something inside was telling me that my success was putting my own soul in danger. I began to ask myself whether my lack of contemplative prayer, my loneliness, and my constantly changing involvement in what seemed most urgent were signs that the Spirit was gradually being suppressed … I was living in a very dark place and … the term “burnout” was a convenient psychological translation for spiritual death.3

Haunted by the emptiness of his own spiritual walk, Nouwen started on a journey that eventually led to his resignation from Harvard. He took a position as a chaplain at Le Arche, a care facility for the handicapped. There he learned what it meant to live out a life of love and servanthood, to live as Christ among the broken, to truly “lead in the name of Jesus.” I had read his profound and honest reflections years before, but as I reread them in the wake of the scandal, I found myself convicted. Nouwen’s question dealt with something deeper than sin; it was about the essence of the Christian life, the thing we must have above all else.

I remember sitting with a few friends in my living room on New Year’s Eve, reflecting on how insane 2006 had been. We decided to have a little dessert and ponder the year that was now in its closing hours. Each couple took turns reviewing highs and lows of the year. For the most part, it had been a good year. Bigger and better opportunities, unexpected financial success, the births of healthy children, and the accelerated elimination of debt were some of the items on the good list. But we had also experienced Thursday, and “bigger and better” now seemed as days long ago, auld lang syne. The events of that day in November now overshadowed everything the next year might hold. Everything was good now, but how long would it continue? Would the things that had gone awry last year create repercussions that would undermine all the things we had held so dearly? For some, the fear of losing the jobs they loved was becoming a distinct possibility. The reality of how suddenly a curve in the road can appear was sobering us.

And then I raised The Question: Did we—did I—know Christ more as a result of the passing of another year? Were we any closer to God? It was not the sort of question to answer out loud. I wrestled with it in silence. It was a question of my own relationship with Christ.

I have been a Christian since I was a young boy. I spent my high school years sitting in on the Old Testament history classes my mom taught at our church’s Bible college, listening to sermon tapes, and praying and planning with my dad as he and my mom planted a church. My youth was defined by long quiet times, meaningful journal entries, and leadership roles in our youth group. I was a theology major in college and had been in full-time, vocational ministry for six years. Yet in the wake of Thursday, none of this mattered. Did I truly know God … today? Was my knowledge of Him active and alive, or stale and sentimental?

There was no easy or succinct way to answer that question. But as I allowed it to burrow its way in my heart, I began to see something. I had long lived subconsciously believing that God was a sort of cosmic agent, working to get me bigger contracts and better deals while saving me from scammers and opportunists. God was my Jerry Maguire, my ambassador of quan, and my prayers were spiritually cloaked versions of asking Him to “show me the money.” Not necessarily literal money—just comfort, success, good friends, an enjoyably smooth road, an unmitigated path to the peak of my game.

If you had suggested that theology to me, I would have condemned it, criticized it, and denied three times that I even knew of it. It wasn’t until Thursday came and went that I saw what was lurking inside. I had slowly bought the suburban rumors of God. My house was an evidence of His blessing. Our growing church was an indication of God’s pleasure. Things were going to get better and better while I kept my life on cruise control. Never mind that I had struggled—mostly unsuccessfully—to have consistent time alone with God. Forget that I had hardly spent time worshipping God offstage.

The more my wife and I searched our own souls, the more we realized we had become passive, complacent, at times even indifferent about our own knowledge of God. We had been lulled to sleep by our own apparent success, numbed into coasting by our spiritual Midas touch.

What began in the days after Thursday was a journey, a road of uncovering and discovering, of stripping away what thoughts of God we now knew were rumors and finding again the face of Christ.

These were not rumors that came from one man, one pastor. In fact, it’s hard to say that any of them did. Any search for the headwaters would be misguided anyway. Because that’s not the point. It’s not where the rumors came from; it’s why they came at all.

Here’s what I’ve learned: Rumors grow in the absence of revelation. Every time we keep God at arm’s length, declining an active, living knowledge of Him, we become vulnerable to rumors. Lulled by false comfort and half-truths about God, we—in Keith Green’s famous words—fall asleep in the light.

What the Heck is Going On?

Until life comes to a screeching halt.

There are moments when time stands still. Our old vision of the world, like a scrim on a giant set, rolls up out of sight, leaving us with a jagged, stark picture of reality, its edges sharp, rough, and bare. Everything looks different, feels different. Things that once peppered our lives with meaning are now completely irrelevant and vain. Things we had ignored and overlooked are now incredibly clear, almost stunning in the forefront. The football team whose games you would never miss now seems horridly trivial. The powerful boss you were trying to impress, you now scorn and dismiss. The child you once wished would

just go to sleep, you now run to hold in your arms.

A death of a loved one, the finality of divorce, the weight of debt crushing into bankruptcy—these are the moments that shake us, that wake us up and make us numb all at the same time. My moment is not that tragic in light of others. I think of a friend whose wife is facing a medically incurable disease. Or another friend whose wife decided married life was overrated and the party scene was where she belonged. I know a father who can’t escape the grief of losing a child years ago. Sorrow covers him like a cape and time offers no oxygen. There is no way to compare tragic moments. The game of my-moment-is-worse-than-your-moment, while possible, is seldom profitable. Pain is acutely real to those who are breaking under its weight.

These are the “what the heck?” moments. The moments where everything stops except you, as you slowly look around. Examining. Reflecting. Puzzled. Bewildered. The silence is broken by a bellow from deep inside: “What the heck is going on?” Or some less sanitized version of the same. How could this be? And what’s more, how could this be while God is with me?

The psalmists understood this feeling well. Fully two-thirds of Psalms are laments, an old-fashioned term for a “what the heck?” moment prayer. Imagine these words being prayed at church:

Why, O LORD, do you stand far off? Why do you hide yourself in times of trouble? (Ps. 10:1)

My God, my God, why have you forsaken me? Why are you so far from saving me, so far from the words of my groaning? O my God, I cry out by day, but you do not answer, by night, and am not silent. (Ps. 22:1–2)

My tears have been my food day and night, while men say to me all day long, “Where is your God?” (Ps. 42:3)

These were covenant people, people to whom God had made an unbreakable promise, a promise to bless them, protect them, and make their days go well. So why on earth were they being pursued by enemies, losing their belongings, and getting depressed—all while watching the wicked flourish? It didn’t make sense. It wasn’t lining up with the covenant—or at least their understanding of it. And so they took their complaint up with God.

What’s interesting is that for the most part, we don’t find out how God specifically responded. There are “Psalms of Thanksgiving,” where the psalmist restates his lament in the past tense—recounting how he was in trouble—and then gives thanks to God for delivering him. But the “lament psalms” grossly outnumber the “thanksgiving psalms.” We don’t know if all became well on earth all the time. But we are told two crucial things: the consistent character of God—good, just, faithful, loving—and the characteristic response of the psalmists—the choice, the vow, to praise. In one of the psalms quoted earlier, the words of lament are followed by these words of praise:

Yet you are enthroned as the Holy One; you are the praise of Israel. (Ps. 22:3)

Maybe in some ways, the Bible is written the way the Oracle in The Matrix prophesies: It only tells us what we need to know. It does not tell us all there is to know, only what we need for life and godliness. Here is the lesson of the psalmists: All of our experiences and emotions can become a springboard to find God and see Him for ourselves. God is present on every scene, waiting, wanting us to seek Him, believe in Him, and worship Him with every ounce of our existence.

Our discussion here is not first about suffering. The question of whether God causes it, allows it, or has nothing to do with it, has been voiced since the days in the garden. Our discussion here is simply that these moments—whether they come from our free will, the Devil’s evil schemes, or God’s strange providence—present us with an opportunity. Regardless of your theology, these two things are common to mankind: We all experience a measure of suffering, and every experience can be redeemed.

C. S. Lewis wrote, “God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our conscience, but shouts in our pain: it is His megaphone to rouse a deaf world.”4

Crumbs of Rumor

Too often, we walk through life with our hands fixed firmly over our eyes and ears, ignoring and avoiding the living presence of Christ with us—maybe from fear or guilt or simple apathy. But every once in awhile, our hands are pried off our face, our eyes are almost forcibly opened, our ears are unplugged. We catch a glimpse for ourselves, a glimpse that will be our undoing. And our salvation. In that moment, we are ruined and redeemed by that little glimpse.

Job had that experience.

He never auditioned for the role, never signed up for the part.God chose him. He chose him, we are often told, to prove a point to the Devil. But I’m beginning to wonder if God chose him to show Himself to Job, to save Job from the stiff, straight lines he had drawn around God. Think about it. The story doesn’t end with the Devil returning to heaven and saying, “Okay, God, you win. You were right. Job didn’t curse you. He does indeed serve you for nothing.” If that were the central tension in the story, there is a glaring

lack of resolution.

A series of ridiculously unfortunate events befalls Job in a very short span of time. What takes place in the lengthy remainder of the book is a dialogue between Job, three of his friends, and a presumptuously precocious young man named Elihu. After sitting silently for seven days, the three friends can’t bear to hold in their wisdom. One by one they present their cases to Job, trying to explain why he is suffering and what he should do about it. They generally agree that things have gone so poorly for Job because of some hidden sin in his life. They plead with him to go before God, repent, rid himself of his sins, and make peace with the Almighty. Job refuses. He insists on his innocence and laments to God with words that are

uncomfortably honest.

Then Elihu speaks. He dismisses the elders’ wisdom, preferring his own fresh insight. He is less willing to condemn Job for sin, but not as reluctant to rebuke him for pride. He hints at God’s sovereignty and our inability to fully understand His ways. But he, too, echoes the familiar refrain that obedience will lead to a prosperous, pleasant life, and that disobedience will lead to tragedy and sorrow.

As arrogant and simpleminded as Job’s friends may seem to us, as hard as it is to imagine ourselves saying something like that to a friend who has just lost everything, remember that they are simply

articulating the prevailing wisdom of the day. It was their misguided understanding of the covenant that gave them this simple premise: Obey God, and all will be well; disobey, and you will suffer.

That formulaic and faulty view of the covenant may be the reason the book of Job is included in Hebrew Wisdom Literature. It may be that the purpose for the book of Job is to counter an overly black-and-white view of life. Perhaps God understood that humans would take the rich, profoundly unique covenant that He had made with His people and reduce it to simplistic, pithy phrases. Maybe God knows our propensity to redact the living words of relationship into rumors that spread like fire—and that sooner or later, we will get burned.

What if the book of Job is not all about some intergalactic dispute between God and the Devil? What if it’s really about revelation and relationship with mortals?

At the end of the story, after Job asks God over and over with the nagging persistence of a two-year-old why he has suffered, God responds. Not with answers, but with questions—questions that bring Job to his knees. Finally Job cries:

I admit I once lived by rumors of you; now I have it all firsthand—from my own eyes and ears! I’m sorry—forgive me. I’ll never do that again, I promise! I’ll never again live on crusts of hearsay, crumbs of rumor. (Job 42:5–6 MSG)

This is the climax of the book of Job. It’s the way this incredibly moving story of suffering resolves. The mention of God restoring to Job more than what he lost is sort of an afterthought, a footnote to the story. It comes after Job finds firsthand knowledge of God. The story of Job is first and foremost a salvation story: God saved Job from small, narrow, rumor-laden views of Himself. And then Job lived holy-ever-after. It’s what happens when rumors give way to revelation.

I have come to the uncomfortable realization that I have believed rumors about God that have kept me from Him, kept me from really knowing Him. I suspect I am not alone. This book is about some of the more popular rumors, and the path to finding the truth. What you read here is not intended to be the basis for your view of God. Instead, this book is an attempt to jog your mind, stir your heart, provoke your questions, and whet your appetite for the quest, for the journey that only you can take. The journey that Job took. A journey that is not necessarily one of suffering, but one that by design means eye-opening, paradigm-shattering discovery. So yes, in some sense it hurts. It’s a journey that begins with your fist to the sky and can end with your knees on the earth. A journey that begins with questions and ends with speechless worship.

Mine began on a Thursday.

DISCUSSION QUESTIONS:

1. What are some of your “what the heck?” moments?

2. Do you think your knowledge of Christ is active and alive or stale and

sentimental?

3. What are you looking for God to do in your heart as you read this

book?

Review: You Make Me Feel LIke Dancing

2009-08-20T08:52:00.006-05:00

Today's Wild Card author is:

Allison Bottke

and the book:

You Make Me Feel Like Dancing: A Novel (Va Va Va Boom Series)

David C. Cook; New edition edition (June 1, 2009)

ABOUT THE AUTHOR:

Allison Bottke spent 17 years as a professional fund-raiser before her personal journey prompted her to create the best-selling God Allows U-Turns anthologies. Now a popular speaker and author of hip-lit fiction as well as nonfiction, Allison was one of the first plus-size models with the Wilhelmina agency. Today, she has created a place where fun, fashion, food, family, and faith merge to empower and inspire boomer women all around the world. That place is her website.

Product Details:

List Price: $14.99
Paperback: 448 pages
Publisher: David C. Cook; New edition edition (June 1, 2009)
Language: English
ISBN-10: 1434799492
ISBN-13: 978-1434799494

AND NOW...THE FIRST CHAPTER:

Susan Anderson yawned and mumbled an incoherent complaint. She tried to focus heavy-lidded eyes on the glowing chartreuse numbers of the digital clock. Six a.m. She rolled onto her side and picked up the ringing cell phone, wishing she’d shut it off the night before. This was her day off, the one day in seven she could stay ensconced in her luxurious bed, wrapped in Egyptian cotton like a mummy princess. The one day in seven she could snuggle with her hubby when he came home from working the night shift.

“I’m-sorry-to-wake-you-up-but-it’s-an-emergency-and-you’re-the-only-one-who-can-help-something-horrible-has-happened-to-Tina.”

“Slow down, Karen,” Susan whispered hoarsely. “I understand you haven’t been to sleep yet, but I’m still waking up, okay? Now, start from the top. Who’s Tina?”

Stretching like a limber feline, Susan propped her pillow against the headboard and slowly sat up, her eyebrows knitting together as she listened. Her eyes opened more fully as she listened to Karen’s amazing tale.

“… that’s the whole story. I’m afraid she’s going to do something drastic. Please, you have to help her. I know you don’t work Mondays, but you’re the only one I know who might be able to do something.”

Susan leaned her head back and yawned again as she considered.

“Susan? Susan, are you there?”

“Still here. Sorry. Okay. I need coffee and a bagel, but you can tell her to meet me at the salon at seven.”

“Seriously? Fantastic! You’re a lifesaver!”

Susan hung up the phone, rolled onto her stomach, and buried her face in her pillow. Part of her wanted to go back to sleep. But the rest of her loved a challenge—and this was truly a challenge. Although dull moments were few in her world, so were new ventures these days—at least ventures of the dramatic magnitude Karen had just described.

She pulled back the covers and eased up on the edge of the bed. Absentmindedly tucking a strand of ash-blond hair behind her ear, she considered her options for another minute or two before reaching for the phone.

“She works hard for the money, so hard.…”

“Stop singing, Loretta—please. It’s too early for Donna Summer, even for you. I hate caller ID.”

“Heretic—bite your tongue! It’s never too early for Donna. And you should love caller ID. It’s the only reason I always answer your calls.”

Susan laughed. More than a dependable employee, Loretta Wells was a good friend and a sister in faith. She was also the reason Susan could take Mondays off. Loretta was more than capable of handling things without the boss. In fact, she’d been Susan’s right hand for almost twenty years.

Every Monday morning before opening the salon at seven thirty, Loretta had coffee at the Starbucks just off Tropicana Boulevard. Susan knew she could depend on her to rise to this challenge, cut her Starbucks run short, and get things ready for Tina before she arrived.

Susan explained what little she knew about what she’d dubbed as Tina’s Tragic Trauma. “You don’t mind coming in early?” she asked.

“Are you kidding? Sounds utterly fascinating. Don’t worry about me—what about you? I don’t think I’ve seen you on a Monday in more than a decade. Think you can function?”

“Very funny. I’ll be just fine. See you in forty five.”

She flipped the phone shut, grabbed a notepad and pen from the bedside table, and scribbled a note to leave downstairs for Michael on her way out. Her husband wouldn’t get home until eight, about the time she was usually getting ready for work. He wouldn’t be happy with her for taking off like this on their one day together, but what could she do? This young woman needed her.

She recalled the most recent argument she’d had with Michael about this very subject.

“You’re a hairdresser for crying out loud—not George!” he had shouted into the phone last week when she called him from the salon at 2:30 a.m.

George was their neighbor, a psychologist who was on call for police emergencies twenty-four/seven.

“You wouldn’t say that, Michael, if you had seen her. The creep used a butcher knife to cut off her hair. I couldn’t say no. Michael, you should have seen …”

“What if he had showed up at the shop? What then? He might be outside waiting for you right now. Maybe I should come over and follow you home …”

“No, Michael, I’m fine. I’m sure he’s not waiting for me. He doesn’t have a beef with me.”

Susan didn’t tell him she had worried about the same thing when the girl showed up, referred by a friend who ran a shelter for battered women.

“I’m sorry I called,” she said with a sigh. What she had really wanted to share was her excitement at being able to pray with a young woman who was openly searching for an answer to the unexplainable emptiness in her heart.

“Me too,” Michael grumbled. “Now, get out of there and go home. I’ll stay on the phone while you lock up.”

That had been several days ago, and they had yet to talk about the situation again. She wasn’t exactly eager to bring it up—not with the way Michael had been acting lately. His sixtieth birthday loomed on the horizon, and Susan was quite certain he was having a delayed midlife crisis. She was hard-pressed to feel sympathetic. She was turning fifty in April, and she wasn’t snapping at everyone about every little thing.

Susan didn’t start thinking about Tina’s Tragic Trauma again until she was in the shower. What if she couldn’t help her? Lord, I’m almost embarrassed to bring this to you. I mean, I know it’s just hair. But what if Karen isn’t overdramatizing the situation? Surely someone wouldn’t commit suicide over a bad hair day, would she? Please help me help Tina. Amen.

Hurrying to get dressed, she pulled her thick hair back in a ponytail and wrapped a vintage Chanel scarf around her crown as a headband. She brushed her teeth, stroked on moisturizer, and applied her makeup in record time even though she’d been tempted to go without it, since her goal was to return home in a couple of hours and jump back into bed.

She quickly straightened up the bathroom for Michael, knowing he would take a shower as soon as he got home. When she finished, she sat down at her laptop and sent a quick e-mail to her online chat group. Then she checked herself one last time in the hall mirror and headed out the door.

From: Susan Anderson (boomerbabesusan@boomerbabesrock.com)

Sent: Monday, January 9, 6:43 a.m.

To: Patricia Davies; Mary Johnson; Lisa Taylor; Linda Jones; Sharon Wilson

Subject: You will NEVER believe this … story to follow

Good morning fellow boomer babes!

I’m off to work early … seems we have a Hair Emergency. I’ll fill you in when I know more. Can’t believe it’s only week two of the new year. Things haven’t slowed down at the shop … we’ve been operating full tilt since before Thanksgiving. Guess I shouldn’t complain … business is good. Hope everyone is healthy and happy.

Suze

Looking around the casino on his way out that morning brought Michael Anderson a bittersweet feeling. He liked his job, and every day yielded a new challenge. Yet, after thirty-five years, he was beginning to consider early retirement. The past night had been another busy one, and he was tired from walking the length of the property countless times as one mechanical problem after another surfaced. The Silver Spur was one of the oldest casinos in Las Vegas, and time was beginning to take its toll.

Of course, mechanical problems were easier to deal with than the inevitable people problems his wife seemed to encounter on a daily basis. He couldn’t imagine what it must be like for Susan, standing in one area, doing the same thing day in and day out. It must drive her crazy. It drove him crazy sometimes, just hearing about it.

“I love it, Michael, really I do,” she often told him. And he knew she was proud of her unique beauty salon, Disco Diva. But she had to be as tired of the daily grind as he was. They’d both been at it for so many years.

He couldn’t wait to get home and tell her his news—and this was the day to tell it. Monday was their only full day to spend together. Oh, sure, he saw her throughout the week, but not for long. Most days they were like the proverbial ships passing each other. He came home from the night shift just before she left in the morning, and she woke him when she returned from the salon in time for him to shower, get dressed, eat, and take off for work.

For years, though, they had enjoyed their evening meal together—Susan’s dinner and his breakfast. It was a solid ritual. And there was always something to talk about. Communication wasn’t a problem in their relationship. Having time to communicate was the problem. He’d once computed the time they’d actually spent together in the almost twenty-five years they’d been married; it was far less than the years implied.

And recently, it seemed, things were getting worse. More often than not during the past few months, Susan was already gone when he came home in the morning. And instead of waking him in person in the evening, she had taken to setting the alarm clock for him before she left for the salon.

This was all very unusual for her. He suspected she might be going through early menopause—not that he was an expert on such things. But she was certainly acting strangely these days. She spent more time at the salon than ever and seemed on edge a lot of the time.

That was another reason he’d decided to unveil his surprise a little early. It was time to free her from the growing responsibilities that were clearly taking away her joy.

Time for him to make their longtime dream come true.

It's Fall Y'All

2009-08-20T00:46:00.004-05:00

Or not. I'm getting ahead of myself aren't I? But I LOVE fall. And its August, almost September. Thats. Fall. Don't worry. You won't burn out on a Fall look here ... because I'm sure I'll start winter and Christmas a tad bit early as well...like the day after Thanksgiving.

In Regards To ...

2009-08-18T20:13:00.003-05:00

My Post: Thankful Thursday

Denise:
Thank you for your prayers. This experience has blanketed me with many many prayers, many from friends and family, and even from people and groups that didn't know, but people who know me had passed my name on to be prayed for. All are very comforting to me.

Flip Flop Floozy:
Even I am surprised to see these pictures that I hadn't looked at in awhile. I know I was pretty traumatized, but I don't remember them looking that bad [grin] and am glad what I see now does look much better. What I can't see and still hurts is what is giving me problems, but when all of this first started, this is the area that was the worse effected, so I shouldn't be surprised that I'm still having problems. I just need to push myself to get up and walk more and eat less salty things -- which would help the edema quite a bit. But when you have nothing to do but sit here and think ... then it becomes a place of sit here and eat. Really need to work on changing that.

Grams
Yes, M'am. I know I should stay in a really positive frame of mind, but when it hurts because of open wounds when you get up to do anything, I don't know about others, but I tend to just sit and not do a whole lot becuase I don't want to hurt, although, intelluctually, I'm thinking the more I get up and move around, maybe the less it would hurt. I don't know what its going to take to heal these last few sores...it sounds like putting this cream stuff the wound doctor has given me, as well as them picking at them to remove the hard dead skin (which hurt like H***), and as we all know, I don't do pain well. And we've tried everything. I have taken my Morphine and Hydrocodone just as I've gone to the appointment. They have put a topical pain killer on the skin. And it still HURTS. He prescribed something that is supposed to deadened the nerve endings. You have to work up to it, but I can take up to 1800 mg of it, and I'm almost there. And I don't see much difference. They still hurt. The only difference I see is wanting to sleep more, and being really groggy when I wake up. But, we'll see. I missed my appointment last week (the wound care doctor said going every 2 weeks was OK....it was David who said we could go every week, so I rescheduled last week to this week. Pray for me that its a good day!

My Post: To-Do Tuesday
Lisa:
It bothers me that so many of my entries center around what I've been through. I'm not looking for pity (although prayers are ALWAYS welcome) or attention. But, the bottom line is, what I've been through IS my life right now, the repercussions of it, the aftermath of living through it, and it seems like its all I can think of. The depression, the denial. And, yes, the thankfulness that it turned out to not be as bad as it could have been. I can't imagine what life would be like if each and every one of those little blood blisters turned into a painful crater, instead of the brown spots I have, which fade just a little more each day. Yes, I do think I will have some scars when some of the bigger blisters were and they had to cut them open. But for the most part,even if the brown spots don't go away, I can live with them.

I've never been a "beauty" in any sense of the word before this, so just living through it, marked or not marked, it really doesn't matter ot me. I just want those few spots that are left and giving me so much trouble to stop hurting. If they would stop hurting, my mind frame would so much better, and I could concentrate on other areas of my life. But right now, there are days I don't even want to get dressed because pulling pants over those areas, even though I have them packed with gauze and netting, it hurts to have the pants putting pressure on them. But, we have plans with the doctor to do things to make them get better. What he does every week ... well, the nurse does, and then he looks at them ... the picking off the dead or bad skin is supposed to help make it heal faster.

Also, if we could get rid of the edma in my legs, they say the edema is slowing down the healing process. I am on a waiting list for a prodecure called Lymphedema. My legs are wrapped in such a way it "milks" my legs and the water out of my body (I will be peeing it all out). When my legs are "normal" size, the healing process should speed up as well.

The one saving grace in all this is while we are dealing with the open sores, surgery for the cyst on my ovary and the polyup on my colon will continue to be put off, which is OK with me. My OBY/GYN says she won't touch the inside until the outside is healed. We see her August 31. So, if the craters are still exposed and we are still dealing with them, she will probably want to give all of this another month. Works for me:) I'm not stubborn or anything. I just don't want surgery. I. feel. fine!

Glad I Could Help

2009-08-18T17:18:00.005-05:00

My middle son has come over a couple of times to try and print out a form to order a prescription. His insurance company wants him to go through this company, and he pays $20 every 3 months for his prescriptions.

Well... first off, my computer is slow, and for whatever reasons, after he brought the form up, he couldn't get it to print. So... yesterday, he brought HIS laptop over and tried to print it out. Still wasn't successful. Needless to say, he was getting frusrated.

I'm not sure why he came over today, but we got to talking about prescriptions, and that we buy ours through Walmart, most of them at $4 -- and they mail them to us free of shipping cost. He works in Emporia 4 days a week, so having them mail his prescription to him isn't an issue.

He did go to one of our local pharmacies, and found out that he could get this prescription that he as going to do through his insurance company for $11.99. Hmmm.... $10.00 at Walmart, $11.99 at the local pharmacy ..., or $20 through his insurance company. He decided to just through our local pharmacy because there was no wait. When he has gone to Walmart, he has had to wait an hour or more to get anything filled. ...and he's not very patient.

David isn't either, but he gets around it by either calling in and having the pills mailed ... or if we are headed to Emporia, we would just call from home ... its an hour drive up ... so chances are, by the time we get there, they are filled, or by the time we get done shopping, they for sure should have them done.

Nonetheless, I'm glad Matt and I talked about it, and he will be able to by pass the hassle he had this time getting his precription filled (getting the form printed out, so he could mail it in), not to mention the money he will save by buying locally. I take 12 different prescriptions, and I think David takes 5 or 6, so the $4 deal at Walmart saves us alot of money. I think all but maybe 3 of them between us are covered by the $4 deal. Then, where you buy them really does make a difference. We buy them locally instead of at Walmart, because there is like a $20 difference. Amazing. But its just all a matter of asking questions and checking prices.

Monday, Monday

2009-08-18T00:02:00.006-05:00

I love days like today. It rained most of the day, but it didn't storm. None of that frightening thunder and lightening. Just a cool steady rain. I curled up in my chair, with the blanket the CWF ladies gave me -- all soft and cuddly, and pretty much read all day. I would check my email or my blog -- and I did think I should do some blogging, which I did eventually do. But for the most part, I just read, and that was relaxing. I didn't allow myself to throw a "woe is me" pitty party. I just embraced the day, enjoyed what was given to me, and it was nice.

Now, tomorrow, I need to concentrate on doing some book reviews. When I was in the hsopital, I got behind, with reading, with reviewing. I do want to continue with the publishing companies that I have been with, continue to receiving books, and continue reviewing them. But when I was in the hospital, for whatever reason, my eye sight deterioated, and I couldn't read anything. So reading a book wasn't enjoyable. David did go buy me a large print Bible, and that was a comforting thing to have, to read and to embrace the words.

Now that I am home, and have time on my hands, I have gotten back in the groove of reading, and am enjoying it. Today was a highlight day just that, and I love it. The only thing that would have made it better was to have a mountain of snow falling down, and a enjoying a cup of hot chcolate, curled up under my blankie. But...since its only August, I'm thinking that a bit of an unreasonable thing to wish for. Those days are coming soon enough.

Edition "D"

2009-08-17T08:26:00.006-05:00

Edition "D"

Depression - I really wish I could say that this isn't part of my life right now, but it is. I have good days, and I have bad days. When those advertisements on TV come on, describing what "depression" is, and you should take this pill or that pill ... I have to agree. There are days that I get up, ready to go, to do something. But, since I am out of the workforce now, that isn't an option. David does the laundry, so I fold it. But how long does that take? I should be in blog heaven -- blogging my little heart out, working on my autobiography, doing numerous memes each day, as well as a regular blog entry each day. I should be out there visiting, leaving comments. I have permission to blog all day. But, as you scroll down through the entries, I definately have not wound myself up and landed in blogland.

I'm pretty sure one of the pills I'm taking IS for the depression. I had one doctor that followed me, and was asking me every day how I was doing. Just the questions he asked led me to believe he was more interested in my emtional state than my physical state. He asked if it would be OK to prescribe a pill for depression, that he knew I was going through a lot -- and this was before everything else hit. I take so many pills, I'm not 100% sure what all of them are for, but I'm pretty sure one of them is for depression.

I guess the good side is that its not an everyday thing. There are days that I really do feel good, and try to make the effort to do more than I did the day before. I think one of the things that gets me down is the pain. It just won't go away. And I know that I have these appointments laying ahead of me which is going to hurt every more. If this one spot didn't hurt, I think I would have really good days most of the time. I'm such a wimp.

Denial - This really hit home when a box of my personal effects from the church office was brought home. I've been living in this world that I will be returning back to my "normal" life shortly, even though we have talked about it, and I know I'm not because of the "disability" we are trying to get on. I know this intelluctually, and accept it as such. But emotionally, I know I am in denial, and it hurts to know that not working at a job for the rest of my life could be what life has dealt me, and emotionally, I just can't accept it, even though because of the overwhelming medical bills that we have, we have to do what we have to do.

David - He is my husband of 25, almost 26 years. When we married, we became the instant parents of 4 children. He had 2 girls from a previous marriage, I have 2 from a previous marriage. I won't say our marriage was easy going and trouble free. We had our ups and downs, often associated with blended families. And some of those troubles went beyond the children. When the closing of the company we had both worked at for a very long threw a loop in our lives, he started driving a truck, and not being home during the week. But, we survived, and the trucking company grew to the point where he couldn't drive and dispatch both, so he started dispatching from the office, and stopped driving...which meant he was home every night. That made life for us much easier. We are moving into a new transition ... Ethan graduated this year, so sometime soon, he will be moving out, and we will then become Empty Nesters. Interesting. We have made it this far with children. Surely we can make it another 25 years without children.

And I do have to say, he has been a true angel through this medical crisis. Except for one day (which was his parent's 60th wedding anniversary event, and there was lots of pressure on him to be there ... matter of fact, there were a few family members who thought maybe, just maybe, I could be there as well), he was there every single day for me. With all the different medical things they kept throwing at me, I really don't know how I would have made it emotioally, taking hit after hit. Trying to then pass on to David what they said ... welllll.... it was just better that he was there, to soak it all as well as ask questions while they were right there. He had his lap top there, and was able to keep all 13 of his drivers rolling down the road while he sat by my side. Matter of fact, having those 13 guys to keep track up and deal with was a blessing in disguise. He was really ansy on the weekends, when he didn't have to dispatch or talk to his drivers or brokers.

Even after getting out of the hospital -- except for pushing me a bit to walk more, he has been wonderful. He has taken something we have talked about for years, and finally put it into action. He started decluttering. The house is finally started to take shape, and he hasn't griped about having to do it. He accepts the fact that I am physically limited, which really surprises me. He doesn't have the best bedside manners.

After 25 years, I love him more than ever, and plan on loving him more and more and more as the years roll on.

December - This is the month that David was born in, as well as one of his daughters. David lacked 4 days of having to register for the draft when he got older. When I was in the hospital this summer, I was in the same hospital that he was in when he was a month old. His head grew larger than it was supposed to, and they found that he had a blood clot on his brain. He spent 3 months in the hospital as they dealt with it. While I was in the hsopital, he went down and had the transcripts of those 3 months mailed to us. It was interesting reading!

Determined - When I can reach that key (reference: commercial for a pill for depression) and am wound up for the day, I am determined to get better. This is not going to be a permenent way of life for me. I have ideas and plans, and as I gain more stength in my legs, and can get the pain under control, the world is mine, and nothing will stop me from doing what I want to do!

Doctors - When I was admitted to the hospital, I h ad one doctor, and we were in our local hospital, so all was fine. When they moved me to Topeka, its a bit fuzzy just what doctor or doctors I had, but I'm thinking I had just one primary doctor, and then a few other people did things to me, like a biopsy on my arm. But when they moved me to KU Med ... it is a teaching hospital. So, I had a variety of doctors. They worked as a team, and I think I had most of them figured out by the time we left there.

I had never lived through something like that, and seen so many doctors at one time. Each doctor specialized in something; and even now, doctor appointment after doctor appointment, to do a re-check to make sure I'm OK. Fortunately, things have slowed down a bit, and we can stop and breath, and not have to travel every other day.

We see the wound care doctor this Thursday, and then possibly again the next Thursday -- the doctor is saying every 2 weeks, but only because of the distance we have to travel. So, David keeps saying that its OK to go every week ... we'll just see how everything is doing this Thursday, and figure it out from there if I'll go the 26th or not. For sure though, we have appointments in Kansas City on the 31st. We have a couple of them, which is the way to do it. If we have to travel that far, we might as well have as many appointment we can for that day as we can, which is what we did that day.

Diana -- she is a wonderful lady who checks on me (via blog) and always brings a lot of sunshine to my days. She blogs under the name of "Sunshine On My Shoulders", and I love reading her blog daily, and being a part of her life as well.

Drugs - Ahhh.... this would be the legal kind. I am not a pill taker, but I have learned to be one. I have 12 different prescriptions that I take. And some of those I have to take more than one. I have an AM/PM dispenser to help me keep everything straight. All in all, I think I take 30 pills a day, give or take a few, because my prednisone comes down a 1/2 meg every 2 weeks; and right now I am to take my Coumadine 4 mgs on day, 5 the next day, 4 the next, 5 the next. And then in 2 weeks, I go take a blood test, and depending on where my level is, they will call me and tell me what dosage I should be taking now. Isn't it fun? I am getting better. Its been awhile since I've gagged on any of my pills. This is a good thing.

Dividers - Ok. This is going to sound really silly. But, if it makes me feel good, then, its a good thing, and let it be, silly or not. I have always carried a day planner, and used it spottingly. Its just one of those things. You see the policeman going through someone's dayplanner after an accident, and finding all kinds of information. That is what I was looking for. Again, silly, I know. However, when I went in the hospital, David latched on to my day planner, and he used it quite extensively. And when we got home, with all the doctor appointments we had, I realized that I really needed to use it. Each day has a page, and I write down thoughts I want to blog about, and appointments, and like the other day, we ordered prescriptions, so I wrote the # of each one down and the name, and then checked them off when they came in, and also wrote down the price. Keeping track of "everything" really has been helpful. I had to let one company know what doctors I had seen, when, and why. It was all in my day planner, and all I had to do was go back and look.

Here's the catch though. I'm only keeping one month in my book. The rest of the year goes in a plain book that is the same side; and when we get done with a month, I take out the old month and put in the the new month. The old month, that has pages and page filled with information, it goes in the plain book, and I keep it right here by my chair (actually, the chair next to me has a pocket at the bottom of it (it was an electric reclining chair that doesn't work any more, and the pocket was to put the control thing in) -- and I keep the book there.

When David was decluttering, he was going through my books. He didn't throw my books away, but when he came across dayplanner type books or pages that were from years gone by, he threw them away. I just happened to see something he had thrown away -- a spiral planner from like 2005. Good reason to throw it away, I agree. However.... flipping through it, it had a lot of beautiful nature pictures all the way through it. So, I retrieved it out of the trash, and started to work on making dividers out the pictures. He had bought me a package of clear plastic page protectors that was the size of my book. At the time, I was only wanting 3 -- to seperate all the hospital stuff out with.

But now... I have 12 dividers, and they are all "tied to together" theme wise because I have taken them all out of that old planner book. I love the way it all goes together. I love having my planner book organized like this. My sections are:

Calendar
Addresses
Personal
Ethan
Jason
Prescription Information
Misc
DDS/SSD
KU Med
St Francis
CC Hospital
Notes (blank)

I love it. I have every phone number I can think of in the address book, from personal stuff to medical stuff, to hardware stores around town. I have our prescription information up to date, complete with Walmart's numbers, but also if one of us were to go to the hospital, all I have to do is open my book, and give them a copy. I have what we taken, the dosage, and how often.

In the different hospital sections, I have business cards, I have the bills we have recieved from them. I have note pages with notes taken of conversations we have had with them.

Our son owes us money, and he has been mowing our yard this summer to help pay off that debt. So, he has a section, and I record each time he mowes.

Ethan wanted me to keep a section in my book for him. Last year when he was in school, and I was carrying a day planner, it would have the school calendar, his locker information, pages from the teacher letting us know when all the music productions would be, or when they would be taking a trip. Important stuff like that that needed to be hung on to. But, since he's not in school this year, he really doesn't need a section in my dayplanner.

However... when he was at camp, they gave him a sheet that has everyone addresses on it. He knows he will lose it, so ... guess who has section, and what is in there. He also just newly went and got his own insurance instead of being on dad's...and he got his first bill. I know when he's out on his own, "Mommy" can't keep track of things for him. But. That bill has 7 holes punched in it, and is in Ethan's section, so we know where's its at. We have looked at the calendar, and he has decided that he needs to pay it out of this coming paycheck. So, I have written on Thursday that "Ethan needs to pay insurance bill". I will see if he remembers, and if he doesn't by Friday, then I will gently remind him that is something he needs to do. In the calendar section (where the calendar is all on one page for the month), I write his schedule as we get it. That is more for me, not him, so I know what hours he works, and try to plan suppers around it, etc. And, David is always asking when Ethan works, so the more knowable I am about it, the better.

Anyway, the dividers maybe me happy. They look good. They work. And they keep me organized. These days, ANYTHING to keep me happy and content is a good thing. It keeps me occupied keeping it organized, and it makes me feel worthwhile when I can put my finger on information in an instant. And if I can't, then that becomes my next project ... to figure out why it wasn't, and make the change to when I need that information the next time, it WILL be in my book.

Am I'm obsessive, or what?

C-C-Changes

2009-08-16T23:45:00.002-05:00

Not working these days, sometimes it hard to seperate the weekend from the weekdays. I know when I was working, the days were very much compartmentalized...you always looked forward to Friday, so you have 2 days off. And Sunday evening marked the end of those days off, and you were back to work on Monday. For me, one day isn't much different than the other, whether its a weekend or a weekday.

The only difference is, on Sunday morning, the last few weeks, I have attended church. It felt really good to get back. And not being able to take but a few steps without having someone stop and hug me and welcome me back, and ask how I'm doing. Or comment on my hair. I had waist length in May. But, after a few days in the hospital, it was driving me up the wall. It was getting tangled, and the CPAP wasn't helping the situation. I had spent 3 days here our at local hospital, so it would have been day 4 or 5, when I was in the Topeka hospital, and our girls were visiting, and I made a comment about my hair, that I had a good mind to just get it cut. The girls said they could do it, and they talked to a nurse, who directed them to a room that had a mirror and a sink, and room for the wheelchair, and away we went. When I got back, I had a new short bob, and have loved it every since. Its easy to wash and dry, using a round brush, and curling it under. Everyone has loved it, and I have gotten many many comments on it. I'm glad I did it, and I don't miss my long hair at all.

This is just one of many many changes. As I mentioned in an earlier post, one of our members died unexpectedly. She was very very active, heading up the funeral dinners, and fundraiser dinner for our church, and other areas in the church (we had talked a couple of times even about us -- she was wanting to do a fundraiser for us, and I talked her out of it, because we don't want it to mess up anything we are trying to do with the Social Security Disability). Not having her there leaves a big hole in the structure of our church family, not to mention our hearts as friends. Her husband is carrying on the best he can. I know its hard for him.

Another change is our minster is retiring. August 31 is his last day. He's been with us 18 years. Again, even with a new minister being brought it, his presence is going to be missed. I had silently said to myself that I didn't want to break in a new minister. Watch what you ask for...

My not being there leaves a bit hole in the church structure. They have 2 people filling in the position, but they are both being very vocal about it being "just temporary". And I understand. I want it to be "just temporary" as well. Not knowing, not having a definate goal or date in place drives me nuts. I want to go back to work in the worst way. But. Not being able to get in my vehicle on my own is a real obstacle Leaking legs is a real obstacle. Wanting to sleep all the time (depression? medications????) is an obstacle.

I looked around this morning, and was amazed at how many new faces I saw. This is wonderful, and I am glad that our church is growing, regardless of the obstacles we have faced as a church
no matter what Satan throws at us, we will get through it.

Food 4 Thought Friday

2009-08-14T23:25:00.002-05:00

Food 4 Thought Friday ~ This week's questions

♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥

Breakfast
When was the last time you really laughed out loud and what about?
Because the past few months have been filled with fears and tears, the moment we laughed out loud stands out, and yet, I can't remember just exactly what we were laughing about. I was still in the hospital. Ethan had come to visit. And he had said something about one of the nurses as she left.

I took whatever it was he said wrong, we look at each other and just burst out in laughter. I don't think it was all that funny. But given the place and the moment, I think it was a release of emotions, and we just could not stop laughing for awhile. It was good to laugh though, because so many of the days had been filled with tears and scary moment, scary decisions to make. Laughter IS the best medicine.

Lunch
How much time do you spend exercising in a week?
I know most people, if they excercise, spend 30 minutes, an hour, or more on some kind of a machine, or walking at a rec center or around their town. Right now, I have special circumstances. Now granted, even before all of this happened, my exercise level was basically non-existant.

But, in "today" terms -- how much time to I spend exercising? Probably 5 minutes. After spending 21 days in the hospital, it takes time to build your edurance back -- esp. your leg endurance, when you are extremely overweight like I am. My exercise right now consists of walking up our porch steps, 5 round intervals, and also trying to walk out to the street a couple of times. And I tyy to do this twice a day. Once when Ethan is around, and once again when David is around. My goal is to add to that number, to get where I can do 10 rounds at a time, then 15.

My real goal is to be able to get in my vehicle all on my very own. I can get one leg in, but I just get can't get that other one. So, either David or Ethan have to be there, to help lift that other leg in, all the while pushing on my butt to slide me in as well. Being able to get in on my own would be a true goal reached. Being able to drive myself again, another goal. But it all starts with baby steps -- at the porch.

Dinner
Do you look forward to fall or dread summer coming to a close?
You know, being pretty much housebound, summer really hasn't affected me. If anything, I have told the guys to turn the A/C down, that I was cold. So, I haven't suffered the summer effect this year, although, I'm thinking, all in all, its been a pretty mild one, so I haven't missed much, suffering through the heat. I love fall, with all its pretty colors and such. Fall also brings more weekends of camping, but I don't think that will be happening either. I know I wouldn't be able to sleep in the bed. We haven't camped all summer, so unless things hurry up and heal, I don't see us camping much this fall either.

Midnight Snack
What is something(s) you tell yourself on a daily basis?
That what is going on right now is just temporary. That life WILL get back to normal and I can look back on this period of time as just one of those things I had to go through, and that it is NOT going to be a permanent way of life.

Recipe of the Week (instead of your recipe for life, what is it just for this week?)
The first step to getting the things you want out of life is this: Decide what you want.

Thankful Thursday

2009-08-14T13:18:00.006-05:00

Even though we are still seeing a wound care doctor because I have 5 spots that are taking their sweet time healing, as I look at my arms, I can't help but be thankful, to give thanks to God every day, that I healed as quickly as I did. Because no one knew a whole lot about my condition or about Vasculitius, the doctors really didn't know how things would heal, and how long it would take. The first two pictures were talen when I was at my worst. As the nurse works on the wounds I still have ( she uses tweezers to pick out the bad skin that has grown, so the new skin will grow in right), I can't help but be very very thankful that the majorit of the spots healed to what you see on the August 14 picture. They look like age spots, or "old lady liver" spots. I can deal with that.

June 1

August 14

Because we didn't know what was going to happen, I am sooo thankful that those spots didn't turn into the painful "craters" that we are dealing with now. What I am dealing with how is 5 spots that are probably 1/4 inch deep (think round teaspoon--you can lay one down in the spot). A couple are right around the area where the knee bends, and I can't see them to doctor them without help. Another one is on the side of my calf, which I can medicate and cover myself. I have a spot on the top of my foot, but its not a crater. Just a painful open sore, which is getting better, but still makes wearing shoes a difficult process.

Right now, because its covered with guaze and netting, I wear sandals when I got out. I can fasten the top, but not the middle. And the the back strap fastens, so between the two that will fasten, I can wear them and get by. It'll be nice though when I can wear them the way they were meant to be worn. But, at this point, I am thankful for what I can do, and will strive to make things better, and one of these days I WILL be back to 100%.

Friday Felicities

2009-08-14T12:29:00.001-05:00

Friday Felicities is a meme created by Nattie – now a resident of heaven. This meme is all about creating a list of things that make you happy and Nattie knew that when you concentrate on your blessings your sorrows are not as overwhelming. If you would like to participate please create your own blog post and then go over to Becky's blog -- Joyful Mother and link your post with other Friday Felicities participants.

Being able to walk the porch steps more times today than I did yesterday.
Subway sandwiches
Moments of no pain
David being involved in getting the house decluttered and cleaned
The white cheese we like so much at our Mexican restruant -- being able to find it at Sam's and so now we can enjoy it at home as well.
An organized dayplanner
Cards in the mail
Hugs from my church family when I show up at church

Remember Whensday

2009-08-12T10:21:00.002-05:00

What is Remember Whensday? It's a weekly meme dedicated to sharing your old photographs and memories. Sally @ Remember Whensday opens up the meme each Tuesday at 11:30 a.m. Pacific Time, 1830 hrs hours UTC for Wednesday play.

The "rules" are straightforward and simple.
- Please post your picture and story before adding your URL link below.
- Invite others to join in by linking back to this site.
- Have fun, this is a must!

Go to Sally's site to see others who have participated.

I don't remember this picture -- it is a picture of my mom (4th one from the left) and all my aunts and uncles (i.e. -- all of her brothers and sisters). All of these people were a part of my growing up and I have wonderful memories of each and ever one of them. More recently, I was a care giver for one of the aunts, after my mom passed away. I often wonder what it was like for them, growing up. Being a large familylike they were, being close in age like they were. Through my aunt's eyes, I saw that they were and still are a close knit family. Being an only child, I don't have that opportunity. I should reach out to the remaining aunts and uncle more; but not having any brothers or sisters is a lonely feeling.

To-Do Tuesday

2009-08-11T20:14:00.002-05:00

Tuesday
Fold Clothes
Blog Entry
Visit and Comment
Do entry(s) responding to comments left for me
Participate in a daily meme

Wednesday
Respond to hospital paperwork
Put books on bookcase
Blog Entry
Visit and Comment
Do entry(s) responding to comments left for me
Participate in a daily meme
Reschedule wound care app't for next Thursday
Walk porch steps x 2

Thursday
Fold clothes
Blog Entry
Visit and Comment
Do entry(s) responding to comments left for me
Participate in a daily meme
Walk porch steps x 2
Order prescriptions

Friday
Blog Entry
Visit and Comment
Do entry(s) responding to comments left for me
PParticipate in a daily meme
Walk porch steps x 2

Saturday
Blog Entry
Visit and Comment
Do entry(s) responding to comments left for me
Participate in a daily meme
Walk porch steps x 2

Sunday
Attend Church
Blog Entry
Visit and Comment
Do entry(s) responding to comments left for me
Participate in a daily meme
Walk porch steps x 2

Monday
Blog Entry
Visit and Comment
Do entry(s) responding to comments left for me
Participate in a daily meme
Walk porch steps x 2

This is one meme that I really enjoy doing. I tend to make lists in my dayplanner, but because I always seem to have my blog up, having this meme list in my sidebar is a reminder of what I need to do. I am not the typical "stay-at-home" person. Up until May, I worked full time (and then some ... I worked 2 part time jobs, and then also did paid blogging). Life was pretty much normal, and that was that.

And then I was struck with "an allergic reaction to Keflex (an antibodic), is what KU Med diaganoised me with. The outcome was Vasculitis all over my body (small to large blood blisters) and I spent 21 days in the hospital healing. I am still healing. Spending that amount of time in the hospital, in a hospital bed, I lost alot of leg muscle power. Getting around still takes alot of effort. Fighting depression and denial of my situation (the job situation, possibly never going back) -- there are days I find myself literally not doing anything.

Today I woke up wanting to put forth a more positive attitude. To push myself more. Yes, baby steps, but they are more steps than they were yesterday. So. If I can do at least one household thing, the blogging stuff I have set for myself, and the "walking the steps" goal I have set for myself, I will consider it a successful day. If I can achieve those things, then I will continue to push myself to do more. Adding to this "to-do" list.

So, as you can see, this is mre than just a fun meme. It a tool to push me to get me better, physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.

What’s on your to-do list this week?
For more To-Do Tuesday, visit Crazy Adventures in Parenting.

Weekend Recap

2009-08-10T19:18:00.003-05:00

It was a mixed basket of events over the weekend. Saturday was pretty quiet. Ethan worked from 11:00 - 8:00, so he was gone most of the day. David was home, but we had talked about getting Ethan a new box spring and mattress set, and David decided that Saturday would be the day to do that. So, he headed to Emporia, and found one that didn't cost us an arm and a leg. I had also given him a list of other things to pick up, so he was gone most of the afternoon.

I had put a roast on for supper, so supper was an easy thing to get ready when it was time for supper.

Unlike Sunday. Sunday was BUSY. I don't get out much socially, but not so Sunday. My day started at 10:00 attending church. After church, we went directly to a family reunion. One of the families that should have been at that reunion had already scheduled a birthday BBQ at their house for the same time. So.... we ate at the reunion, stayed for a while, and then headed over to the BBQ. David and Ethan ended up eating a hamburger or hot dog, but all I had was cake when they served that. This get together was outside, under a tent. With the breeze, it wasn't too bad. But, I was winding down being out that much, and getting in and out of the vehicle that many times. For the most part though, it wasn't that bad, and an indication that I should get out more. Maybe not 3 events back to back in one day, but some of the simple "let go to supper" kind of invites. I can't stay at home forever.

Edition "C"

2009-08-10T16:19:00.001-05:00

Edition "C"

Carolyn -That would be my name. I'm not sure why mom chose this name for me, although I was born in the late 50's -- and Carolyn Kennedy was someone who was in the spotlight at the time, so maybe my name was chosen because of that. I do remember various people would call me "Caroline", which I would quickly correct them. As an adult though, most people get my name right, and I like that.

CT Scan - Until this summer, I didn't even know what a CT scan machine looked like. Since then, I have seen the inside of one 4 times now. I have the scan done in various degrees of recovery. The first time, I was taken down, still covered with painful sores, and many people were there to help transfer me from the gurney to the CT bed. The last one I had, I was able to walk in on my own, and lay down, fulled clothed, and it was a piece of cake. Its not a bad procedure, but I would just as soon not have to have any more of them.

Cancer - This has been something that "someone else" has. Yes, I have my share of health issues, but never considered that I would have to deal with cancer. When the OBY/GYN team came to us one Friday night and said that all test results indicated I had cancer, and that surgery would be necessary, my mind could not wrap around that information as reality. I was still dealing with the Vasculitis, and yes, there was a mass on my ovary, but I felt like it had been there for years, and as far as I was concerned, it would continue to stay there. To have cancer ... I wasn't ready to deal with it, and quite honesty, emotionally, I didn't. I accepted it intellectually, I could talk about it, but to feel the emotions that go along with having cancer -- being scared, questioning life, etc ... I wasn't able to go there. I didn't have cancer... and that. was. that. And, as it turns out, I quite possibly don't have it. The blood test that showed the tumor markers to be quite high, taken again just a couple weeks ago, showed the same tumor makers to be below the base line. Also, when the OBY/GYN did a pelvic exam, she said the mass felt "fluidy", not hard cancer would have been. AND, it is also smaller in size now than it was when the first CT was done. So, its not growing. All indications that its probably not cancer. It still needs to come out, but its not as urgent as if it had been cancer.

Colonoscopy - Wow. What a scary test. I stressed and fretted, and just about drove myself over the edge emotionally getting ready for this procedure. But. When it was all said and done...it wasn't worth all the worrying I put into it. Unlike what you read about it, or they tell you, I was awake during the procedure. However. They give you realllly good drugs, and I didn't feel anything, other than feeling really good. Passing gas afterwards was a little unpleasant, but again, something I got through without all the worry and fretting I had experienced beforehand.

Collections - I have several collections. David would say books. I have a small (ok. medium) library, and I know David wants me to get rid of some of them. Granted, once I have read them, why hang on to them, and this is something I need to change my mindset on, and possibly give them to our local library or get our church to start a library. I know I have enough to get them started with. In what I would consider a "collection", I do collect snowmen and angels.

Calligraphy - I love this style of writing. I don't remember if it was a college class, or just a "Rec Center" type class, but I did take a class a long time ago learning the basics of Calligraphy. I loved it. I remember doing a poem of some kind on parchment paper (old looking paper), and then burning the edges. It turned out really cool. I'll have to do that again one of these days.

Cats - Of all the animal species, cats are my favorite. We had a cat, whose name was Sandy Clause, that a friend gave us (Ethan) for Christmas back in 1998. Strangely enough, he disappeared a couple days before I went in the hospital in May, and we haven't seen him since. I know he was getting old, but we will miss him. Its like he knew something was going to happen to me, and he was going down as well, so he just went off to die (like Marlie on Marlie & Me). I don't know. It was strange with the timing. I would like to get another cat, but if we did, I would want to get an adult cat, already trained, and already through his "wild" years.

Coumadin- This is one of the many prescriptions I take. This one I have been taking for 5 years. The doctor's discovered my heart is in Atrial Fib -- which is to say it is out of rhythm. When this happens, the blood tends to pool in one of the chambers, which could then form blood clots. Coumadin keeps the blood thin enough to hopefully keep blood clots from forming. I go once a month or so to do lab work to make sure the blood is at the right level. If its not, then you have to either take a bit more, or a bit less. I leanred early on to get the prescription in "2 mg" form. That way if I needed to take 3 then I taken 1 and 1/2 pills. 4 is 2 full pills. 5 mg is 2 full pills and 1/2. At the beginning, I was having them prescribe the various different amounts, and that got expensive. You live and you learn!

To-Do Tuesday

2009-08-04T23:03:00.010-05:00

Tuesday
Fold Clothes
Blog Entry
Visit and Comment
Do entry(s) responding to comments left for me
Participate in a daily meme

Wednesday
Call Dr. B about prescription
Finish folding clothes
Blog Entry
Visit and Comment
Do entry(s) responding to comments left for me
Participate in a daily meme

Thursday
Wound Care Appointment in Topeka
Blog Entry
Do entry(s) responding to comments left for me

Friday
Go through and put away items that came from my office at the church
Organize counter top in kitchen
Box up books that I have read
Blog Entry
Do entry(s) responding to comments left for me

Saturday
Open

Sunday
Attend Church
Attend Christy Reunion
Attend Norman & Linda's BBQ
Take pictures & blog about reunion & BBQ
Blog Entry
Do entry(s) responding to comments left for me

Monday
Living Room
Visit and Comment
Do entry(s) responding to comments left for me
Participate in a daily meme

What’s on your to-do list this week?
For more To-Do Tuesday, visit Crazy Adventures in Parenting.

Gratituesday: My Husband

2009-08-04T10:25:00.006-05:00

David and I have been married 25, almost 26 years now. To be married that long, it takes alot of love, tolerance, patience and committment. We endured the blended family years, and now are facing the Empty Nest years (waiting on the little bird to test his wings. He graduated in May, but still lives here at home).

We have been through a lot, but I can say without a doubt, that his true colors have shown in the last few months. That part of the vows where he said "in sickness and in health" -- he has stood true, with patience and love and support. I spent 21 days in the hospital. We are looking at least $150,000 in medical bills. I deal with physical limitations as well as depression and other things most every day. He is dealing with me, as well as running a truck company full time -- which he did magnificently for 21 days straight from a hospital room. He was there every single day, except for one, for each and every test and diagnois and doctor visit, while doing his "pay the bills" job as well.

I was grateful for him every single day. And that gratitude continues to grow. My gratitude for him exploded Friday night when he rescued me from being held prisoner by the toilet. He could have stayed involved with his family that night. He could have gone on down to the fairgounds like he had planned. But instead, he decided to call and check on me to make sure I was OK. Which I wasn't.

And then Saturday, even though he made a committment to work for his boss's partner at an auction, he took matters in his own hands, and called on one of our daughters to help him do what he felt like he should be doing, but couldn't because of a prior committment he had made. She shopped and found what we needed -- a thing-a-magig to add to the toilet to make it sit 5 or 6 inches higher, which is perfect. No longer will that stupid toilet hold me hostage because my legs don't have the strength or flexibilty to get in the "right' position each and every time to get me back on my feet.

I have much gratitude to my husband for making it half way high on his list (i.e.- he didn't wait a week to go get one. He delegated to someone else so we could get it as quickly as possible, so I didn't have to go through the frightening experience I did Friday night).

Someday, I hope to fill his gratitude quota for me. In the meantime, I love this man and can't think of anyone that I am more grateful to have in my life.

Check out more Gratituesdays at Heavenly Homemakers!

My Hero

2009-08-02T17:22:00.010-05:00

My husband was my hero this weekend. Literally.

This week is our little county fair, and Friday night was the parade. I'm still not getting out much, and I choose not to get out and sit through the parade.

Ethan had to work until 8:30, and David did go to the parade. It started at 6:00, and normally it runs an hour. The plan was that he would probably go walk through the fairground after that.

As I have wrote here before, when I go to the bathroom, I need to be in the "right" position with my legs to get back up. So, my actions Friday night were stupid, stupid, stupid. I KNEW I had problems. And I KNEW I was home alone, and could be very possibly for several more hours. It would have been as simple as taking my cell phone, or the house phone with me. But did I? No. That was at around 5:30.

Fortunately, David has this habit of sometimes (alot of times), calling to let me know what he's doing, even if we have already talked about it. I thank God this was one of those times. A little after 7:00, he calls to let me know he's headed down to the fairground.

I don't answer. He calls the house phone. And then my cell phone again. Still no answer. We had talked about the bathroom thing, so something in his gut told him he had probably come home and check on me.

By then, I was pretty hysterical ... well, at least extremely frustrated...mad, in tears. I had already torn up one of the drawers in the vanity (which he was able to fix), thinking I could use it to as something I could use to get up on my feet. I had thought about letting myself drop off the toilet onto the floor and crawling to the bedroom. But, that was a very last resort. I was at the point where I was crying and chanting "please come home, please come home, please come home" ..... and he came home.

We got me turned around sideways on the toilet and he pulled me up to my feet. I grabbed him and hugged him and cried ... and cried....and cried. Hysterically. I don't know when I ever felt that helpless and frustrated about a situation. It probably took me an hour to calm down, to stop crying. Just when I thought I had it under control, I would start again. But then, it probably was 2 months worth of frustration bottled up, and it was just the last straw. I cried in the hospital, but I also knew I had to keep it "under control", so it would be a short interval of tears, and it would be quiet and control. Friday night's tears were loud sobs. am such an idiot. A simple thing like taking my phone would have save me an hour and a half of feeling helpless, scared and angry. I even had on a top that had a pocket. There was no excuse!

He took his "hero-ship" a step further. He did have to work Saturday -- at an auction for his boss's partner. The auction was in a town that is half way to Topeka. He called our daughter who lives in Topeka, and sent her out on a mission .... to find something that he could add to our toilet that would raise the seat up, or some kind of handles ... or something. She has worked in a nursing home before, so she's familiar with these kinds of things and what he was talking about and what we needed.

She delivered it to him -- he got home around 4:00 ...I had gone pee while Ethan was still here, and didn't have a problem ... but (warning TMI.....) after he went to work at 11:00, and I was home alone again ... I got creative when I needed to go pee. I got several big bath towels and put them on the bathroom floor, and then I got one of the plastic tubs they sent home from the hospital (they are probably 9 x 13 or maybe a little bit bigger), and put that pan on the towel, straddled it, and peed in the pan. I could. not. bring myself to sit on the toilet with no one in the house, even though I did it effortlessly just a few hours before. I can't explain why sometimes I can and sometimes I can't.

Anyway. We now have a plastic something-or-another on our toilet that I can sit on that makes it 5 inches taller that I would normally sit on ... and I can get up and down effortlessly.

My husband. My hero.

Queen Of Denial

2009-07-29T21:03:00.004-05:00

I am really struggling here, and I need to break the chains of what is holding me back. I am living, to a certain degree, a dream come true. I have 24 hours to blog. No job committments. The family is doing a good job taking care of me and the household. Its up to me to take care of me, to get me well, both physically, mentally, emotionally, and even spiritually. And "not having the time" is no longer a factor. When I worked full time, then yes, there are only so many hours in the day, and you pick and choose what gets done.

My blogging has been very much hit and miss and not what I would like it to be. There is no reason why I haven't visited and left comments all over the blogosphere. There is no reason why I haven participated in various weekly and special memes that are going on. There is no reason why I haven't signed in every day, and left some kind of post. I could do pictures, if the words fail me. There is no reason....

I am hosting a new meme that I created, and I'm on week 3, or the letter "C". Sometime this week, I WILL get it written and posted. Doing the letter "D" would be more appropriate this week. But, the week is almost over, so I will stay in order, and maybe get "D" posted by early Monday like it should be. Why the letter "D" ?

Depression and Denial.

That is the reason for the sparse postings and lack of comments. I am quiet by nature anyway. I'm not avoiding my blog friends. I look for updates in the daily read section and I go read. But I shy away, even though I have thoughts and comments because...well, thats just what I do. Even in real life. This should be a time for me to shine. To take the spotlight off myself, and reach out to others. To make a difference in other's lives like so many of those have in mine. To be caring and compassionate, like I know me to be, and let my blog friends KNOW that I AM thinking about them, praying for them, and walking with them as we blog along day, after day.

The Depression is pretty much self explantory The Denial? This week, one of the guys I worked with when I worked at the church, called David, and said he was boxing up some of my personal stuff, and if he or Ethan wanted to come up and help him, they could. When David called and told me this, I burst into tears. Its wasn't one of those "think about it -- oh I'm sad -- here comes the tears" moments. It just took me by surprise, and there was no controling the helplessness and "its over" feelings I had. Up to that point, in my mind, I was still working towards getting back to working at the church. AND... in all reality, when I am physically able, AND, things are settled with the finances of this whole medical mess, whether it be Medicaid, or bankrupcy, or payments for the next 600 years ... I probably can go back to work at the church.
Intectually, I understand that the church can't continue in limbo, waiting for me to come back. So, they have to move forward in a way that suggests that I am probably not coming back. And I know this. And I accept this. Intectually. But emotionally??? Denial. De-Ni-Al. Through and through. It breaks my heart to think I will never work at the church again.

For many reasons, I can't, don't, won't, don't need to see past tomorrow. Just living today is the safest place to be. And yet ... I have to have goals. I need to look beyond tomorrow and see a future -- a future that challenges me and pushes me, or a future to hang my hat on, that that place in time is what is going to push me to get better and exercise more and know that I CAN do anything and everything by myself. These bouts of breaking down in tears because I literally "can't" do something-- like getting into the shower by myself...or if I'm not in just the "right angle", I am powerless to stand up from the toilet. There is a certain position I have to get my legs in, and I can stand up effortless, and all is good. But, if I miss the mark and I'm not in that right position, my legs don't seem to have the strength to get me up -- and I start crying....because I"m scared, esp. if I'm home alone and what if I'm "stuck" them until someone gets home ... or because I'm just frustrated because standing up from sitting on the toilet should be a piece of cake. But, I never know from trip to trip if it will be or not. That is frustrating to me.

I need goals, and going back to work at the church was, for me, a goal. Having all my personal stuff packed up and sent home just made me realize just how much in denial I am. I don't like living in uncertainity. And I definately am not liking this being home, day after day, and I feel the need to get better slipping away from me. Not a good place to be mentally, and I need to turn this around and find that spunk and determination I know me to have and work towards the positive, regardless of what the end goal is. Accept life as it is, move out of denial and move forward.

Blog Hop 09

2009-07-27T23:50:00.002-05:00

As always, I am a day late (looks like later than a day in this case) and a dollar short, but this still looks like a great party to attend, and I am adding a link to the sidebar as a resource of a whole new pool of bloggers to check out. As of today, over 300 bloggers have signed Mr. Linky, so there is definately a party going on over there, and I would love to be a part of it.

So, before I go over and sign in, let me tell you a little bit about myself. I am a Christin. I am 50 years old, married, mom to 5, all adults now. Our "baby" became an adult (at least in age) this year, turning 18 in February, and graduated in May. David and I have been married for 25 years -- it will be 26 in October of this year. We both had been married before, and had children. Him with 2 girls, Sarah and Becky, and me with Jason and Matt. Together, we had Ethan. Its been a journey of highs and lows, and now we will be transitioning into a new journey commonly know as the "Empty Nest". Ethan still lives at home, and right now, we don't see that changing any time soon. But, he does work, and he is paying a small "fee" (i.e. rent) to live here. Nothing compariable to what it will be like living out in the real world, but its a start.

With grown children, of course there is usually grandchildren, and we have 6 -- ranging in ages of 13 to 2. All boys except for one -- and she is the 13 year old.

Up until May of this year, I worked full time, in 2 part time jobs, which I loved. I was the church secretary in the morning, and worked with my husband at a trucking company in the afternoon. I did secretarial jobs at both, and never dreamed that they wouldn't be a part of my life.

But, in May, I broke out in a rash, which transformed in small blood blisters, and eventually, some of those blood blisters got pretty big. I was admitted to our local hospital the day after Memorial Day. I stayed there 3 days, and they transfered me to Topeka. who, after 3 days, decided that I needed to be treated like a burn patient because of the massive amount of skin lesions I had, and so was tranfered to KU Med in Kansas City, where I spent the next 16 days.

Its taking a while to bounce back, but also the overwhelming issue of the financial aspects of this -- we have applied for Social Security Disability (it was the case worker at the hospital that sent us down this path. It never occured to us that this was an option). So, my jobs have been taken over by other people while I recover, and possible will be permanent. I can accept this intectually, but am having a really hard time accepting it emotionally.

I don't know what the future hold, but it won't stop me from working towards it, and even though I will have down days along the way, I also know there are going to be good days as well, and I will count my blessings for each and every one of them. God has been with me every step of the way, and whether its a good day or a bad day, He will be there for me.

Welcome to my little part of the world. I love comments and would love to know you were here. Party on!

UPDATE: Ooops. Mr. Linky is closed, so I'm too late to get included on the list. But thats OK. I'm going to go ahead and leave this post, and as I said at the beginning of the post, I'm including a link in the sidebar, so I can visit all the party goers at my leisure. It may take me awhile, but I always love a new source of finding new bloggers to me. Never know where a new friend might be lurking.

Edition B

2009-07-21T13:56:00.003-05:00

Edition "B"

Big - There is no getting around it. I am a big person. Even when I was in high school (and I would give anything to weigh now what I did then), I felt like I was on the bigger end of the scale (no pun intended) than the other girls my age. I know I was alot taller. I got in trouble in choir one day because the teacher thought I was fooling around, standing on books or something because we were standing on the risers, practicing for a performance that night, and I was a head taller than everyone else. When she pulled me out of the group, the other kids did defend me, and she had to go around to the back of the risers to see for herself, that I was NOT fooling around. Geesh. I NEVER got in trouble, so this is something that sticks in my mind, even some 40 years later. It was brought to mind, watching a choir performance that Ethan was in. I could see it from her perspective. Here are all these kids ... and then you have a kid who sticks out like a sore thumb. That would be my Ethan. He's a bit over 6 foot. Unfortunately, though, my problem now isn't height ... its weight. And its just gotten progressively worse over the years. I hated it when I was in the hospital. But, they have been trained to deal with all sizes of people, and was amazed at what they could do, in respect of moving me when I couldn't move myself. I would apologize, and I try to do what I could do myself. And David...he was a godsend. He stayed with me, and would help them whenever necessary. It was embarrassing, but I accepted who I was, and we did what we had to do.

Book Lover - I love reading. I always have. When I was in 2nd grade, I remember getting an award for reading 200+ books that year. We always got to get something out of the treasure box for reading "x amount" of books. I didn't really care about the treasure box -- the treasure for me was in the books I was reading. As we are decluttering and organzing, David keeps sayings "what are we going to do with all these books". I agree. But its one of those deals, I either haven't read them, or if I have, I still don't want to get rid of them. I have gotten involved with a couple of publishing companies and authors who send me books free of charge to read and review. Have discovered alot of new great authors this way!

Bananas - Another favorite fruit. I love love love bananas.

Birth - I have gien birth 3 times. Jason was born in 1976, Matt in 1977, and Ethan in 1991. There is 13 months between Jason and Matt...and 13 years between Matt and Ethan.

Birthday - I just celebrated my 50th birthday last November ... on the 26. I was born on Thanksgiving day, which just confirms what everyone has always known...that I am a turkey. David's birthday is in December...he is a year, a month and a day younger than me. All the men in his family are married to "older" women.

Brother - Even though I list on medical forms and other such forms that I don't have any sibling, in all reality, I do. My mom gave a baby boy up for adoption before I was born. It was in the 50's. That is what was expected of you if you were married. Sometimes I think about the possibility of meeting him, of trying to track him down. But, something always stops me. I can't bring myself to click the button on Facebook to be friends with people I went to school with. So, intruding into the life of someone who may not even know about me, I'm not sure I can do that. So, at this point in my life, if he were to show up on my doorstep, I would welcome him with open arms. But otherwise, I'm leaving well enough alone.

Burlington - The town I live in. Small, comfortable, Midwestern town, population 3,000. I've lived here since 1982, and I imagine I will probably die here.

Bruise - This is something I do easily -- namely because I take Warfarin (Coumadin) daily for my Atrial Fib. Besides the Vasculitis, you should have seen me after several rounds with all my doctors when I was in the Hospital in May and June. I do have to say that whoever developed the central line had better have a special place in heaven. I had bruises all over from all the IVs they tried to start, all the lab work that needed to be done. After having a central line put in, it was a piece of cake and painless! From both aspects -- taking blood out and pushing liquid stuff in. I still have one bruise from from where an IV blew, and that was in the first days of my hospitalization. I am glad to be back on my Coumadin though. Even though its just "another" prescription I take, it really made me nervous when I couldn't take it, knowing that my risk of having a blood clot break free from my heart had increases when you don't take it. There is a reason its called a "blood thinner" [grin].

Empty Nest

2009-07-19T22:17:00.001-05:00

Once a year, we get a taste of the "empty nest". Ethan has been going to church camp since he was in the 1st grade. He has only missed one year, and that was a couple of years ago, when he had started working at his first job, and had already taken a week off to attend an International Drama convention (which, he had told his new employers about before he even started that he had that committment. So, taking another week off during the summer so close to the other full week he had taken, we had decided it was best to forgo camp that year). This is his last year. They go up through "13th" grade, which allows those kids who graduated this year to attend one more year. Ethan was selected as an "honor camper" last year, so he got half of his fee paid by the camp. And our church always pays half, so he was able to go this year for nothing. Which, in light of everything going on with us, (hospital bills, etc), this was a good thing.

So. Its just David and myself this week. Although, 2 of those 5 days will be on the road for doctor appointments. The week will go by quickly.

Ethan has been so excited about going. His "family mom" from last year attended his graduation in May, and she will be there. He is hoping he will be in her family again, but knows that probably won't happen. I know he has made a lot of friends from camp, and with the online technology of Facebook and such, they keep "in touch" or at least updated with each other. Its a good camp to attend, and I'm glad our church supports them. I'm usually the one in charge of keeping track of what kids have signed up and who all is going to camp, as well as lining up drivers. But, I'm out of that loop this year. This summer feels like it almost doesn't even exist -- its gone by so fast and I haven't do the "usual" things I do during the summer (VBS, camp, etc). I'm ready to get back to a normal life!

Sunday Stealing

2009-07-19T12:29:00.003-05:00

Sunday Stealing: The Heretic Meme

1. Who was the last person of the opposite sex you lay in a bed with?
my husband

2. Where was the last place you went out to eat?
Denny's, for breakfast, in Kansas City last week

3. What was the last alcoholic beverage you consumed?
Hot Damn (cinnamon schnapps -- a couple of years ago)

4. Which do you prefer - eyes or lips?
eyes

5. Medicine, fine arts, or law?
fine arts

6. Best kind of pizza?
pepperoni

7. What is in store for your future?
If I listen to all my doctors, surgery. But if I decide otherwise, then hopefully, going back to work, even if its on a volunteer basis.

8. Who was the last band you saw live?
Alabama, back in the 1980's

9. Do you take care of your friends while they are sick?
no, sadly I don't. My best friend lives a couple hours away, so it would be hard to take care of her when she is.

10. How many songs are on your iPod?
a couple hundred??

11. Where is the last place you drove to?
Me personally, to work back in May. The place place I was drove to was Kansas City last week.

12. Where did your last kiss take place?
at home, in the living - kissing my husband goodnight.

13. What were you doing at 11:59 PM on Monday night?
sleeping

14. Are you a quitter?
I would like to say no, but not following through with this surgery would make me a quitter. Not doing alot of things that are unfinished in my life makes me a quitter, so I would have to say that more times than not, I am.

15. Who was the last person you had in your house?
our son. He brought his new dog over to show us.

15. What do you think about people who party a lot?
they probably aren't married, and are out to have a good time. Avoiding life and problems maybe?

16. Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable?
yes

17. What was the last CD you purchased?
WOW Worship

18. What are two bands or singers that you will always love?
Marc Wills and Randy Travis

19. Which of the seven deadly sins are you guilty of?
gluttony

20. How is your last ex doing?
fine

More Of This Week

2009-07-18T17:02:00.000-05:00

Before the weekend is over and we go into another week, I want to blog about this past week and what all has happened. And then maybe I can stay on top of things, blog each day every day AND get around to visiting more often. I know I haven't stopped by recently, but that is on my list to do tomorrow. Start Monday with a clean slate of blogging and comments. I love being caught up and be organized. I'm getting there, but still not quite.

1st Social Outing
I have gone out for numerous doctor appointments, but other than that, I haven't been out in public since the end of May when I went in the in the hospital (or June 16 when I got out). However -- a really really good friend died this past week, and I made up my mind I would be at the funeral. We wrapped the wound that leaks really good, but I also took one of the paper underpads (they are called chucks in the hospital), and sat on it, so if it did leak through I wasn't going to get the chair or floor wet. It was good to get out, to see everyone, to be "welcomed back". Just wish it had been different circumstances.

2nd Social Outing
Since I was able to get myself together enough to attend the funeral, I also attended church the next morning. Its not so much the being out that is keeping me from being out more ... mostly its the leaking leg, which we can fix somewhat now at this point, at least for a short period of time. But also, the getting in and out of my vehicle. Its just downright painful, and takes alot of strength and energy to do. But. Still. It isnt' going to hurt me to get out more, and that is the next thing I need to work on. When we aren't going to doctor's appointments.

Tuesday & Wednesday
Kansas City is 120 miles from here. So, its a good little jaunt under the best of circumstances. With everything I have going on, my legs swell from the traveling, and the open wounds hurt more than they already hurt, and I just can't get real comfortable, no matter how I sit. Its OK, its not unbearable, but it just makes for a long day. So, having back to back appointments, our doctor suggested spending the night. They had a social worker set up a room for us at a "lodge" for cancer patient families that wouldn't cost us anything ...but somewhere along the line, it rained and some of the rooms got wet, and we weren't able to stay there. Nonetheless, we decided to go ahead and get a motel room (Days Inn), and we planned ahead and packed all the necessary stuff (clothes, my cpap, our computers, etc).

We should have drove home. I have slept in a lift chair/recliner for the last couple of months. I realized in just a few short minutes that night just why I was doing that. One of the open wounds is on the side of the knee, so laying on either side was out. I could lay on my back, but the one wound that leaks ... well, the sheet was wet within a couple minutes and that wasn't comfortable. And wearing the cpap mask -- well, sleeping on my stomach wasn't an option. I literally slept sitting up in the bed, and did not sleep much. But, ya live and ya learn.

Tuesday I had a CT scan done. It actually went really well. I knew pretty much what to expect. I thought I might have to put a gown on -- all the other ones I had done was when I was in the hospital. But, they did it with me fully clothed, so that was a good thing, not having to get undressed. It didn't take long, and we were out of there fairly quickly. All during the hospital stay and even with all my appointments, David is still keeping the trucking company going, which has been nice. I don't know what we would have done if he worked at a "normal" job that he couldn't have been able to be with me every step of the way. I truly am blessed with having David in my life! He still had things he needed to be doing, and doing it in rush hour traffic wasn't the best of conditions to try and do it. So, we decided that we would get a room, which we did, and he set his computer up and continued to do what he needed to do.

For supper, we decided he would go out and get something, and then breakfast, we would both go and probably go to somewhere like Denny's, which was just down the street. He was so nice to me. There was an Outback Steakhouse just down the street as well. No, he didn't bring back a steak, but he did bring back a Blooming Onion. The best part of Outback. And then he also stopped and got chicken.

The doctor appointment Wednesday wasn't until 1:30. However, he was on the phone and the computer most of the morning with truck stuff, so that worked out pretty good. We had to be out of the room by 11:00, which is what we did, and then headed to Denny's for breakfast. We got to my appointment an hour early, but he went ahead and let them know we were there, and we parked ourselves at this little area they have that has tables and chairs, vending machines, and then comfortable chairs as well. David plugged in his computer and continued to work, and I worked on organizing my Dayplanner, plus I had brought a book to read, so I stayed busy as well. They gave us a little pager thing to let us know when it was time for our appointment.

The time comes, and we see the doctor. This would be the colon cancer doctor. It was really frustrating at first. He didn't have ANY of the results of what we were supposedly there to talk about. Not the CT scan, not the blood work from the week before, not the results of the colonoscopy. He decided that my GYN just wanted "us" to meet since he would be part of the surgical team when I had surgery. Ah...no. We didn't travel all this way, spend 2 days in KC, have more tests run ... "just" to meet him. He knew we weren't happy, so he said he would try and track down the results.

An hour later, he comes back in, and we get our answers. The polyups were negative, so thats a good thing. The blood work they did the week before, which was the main thing I wanted to know was a "29". The test is a CA-125, a test used to detect Ovarian cancer. A normal level should be "30". When I was in the hospital, my level was "elevated" -- at 189. We asked...and asked...and asked .... could the elevated level be from the medicines I was taking or any of the physical stuff that was going on in my body. Everyone kept saying no. But when we say the GYN last week, she confirmed what we had thought/said all along. Everything I had going on, yes, very well could have elevated that level. So, getting a low number like that back from last week's test was very reassuring that the cyst is probably not cancerous. At least thats how I'm reading all of this.

When we left, 2 appointments were to be made for us -- one with the GYN again, plus with a cardiologist. Both being "pre-op" appointments. We were given the impression that it would be a couple of weeks after this appointment we were just at. But, when they called Thursday, our appointments are this Monday. *sigh. ANOTHER trip to KC. Plus we go to Topeka for wound care again on Thursday.

As I mentioned in the previous post, I walked to the CT scan appointment, and I walked to break room and doctor apppointment on Wednesday as well. We also stopped at the hospital to talk to our finance case worker, and I walked to her office as well. Needless to say, made for a long day, and I was one tired puppy when we got home. I will be sooo glad when these appointments are behind us. Topeka's not so bad (60 miles), but I just dread Kansas City. But. You gotta do what you gotta do.

Time Marches On

2009-07-17T23:22:00.003-05:00

It amazes me that even though I am not working, that my days aren't filled out outside activities, the days continue to march on, quickly, and before I know it, the week is over, and we are headed into the weekend, with a new week just right around the corner.

Last weekend, I decided I was tired of whining and focusing so much on "what is wrong with me". I decided that yes, I would continue to document the health journey with this blog, but I am also going to take a more positive route, as well as throw in some memes and other fun stuff. Enough of the gloom and doom, even if that is what is going on. Balance. Something I'm not very good out, but I'm going to work at, balance things out. Not totally ignore the health issues, but not ignore the good days and silver linings either.

THAT - was the thought process, and as you can see, I did fill in with some memes, even developed one of my own that I am going to try and do every week, and maybe even get others to do with me. I also want to work on my autobiography that I started awhile back, so moved that link up in the sidebar as well.

Then life took over, we headed to Kansas City Tuesday morning, and didn't get back home until Wednesday night. We did take our computers, and I could have blogged. But, I didn't. Mostly just read and surfed. David was using the table and I don't type well on my lap with my laptop. Plus, with the traveling and stuff, my legs were swollen, the open wounds hurt, and I just wasn't in a real cheery mood.

On a positive note though, I didn't use a wheelchair the whole trip. I walked to my CT scan. I walked to my Dr. Appointment. So, I felt like that was a step in the right direction (pun intended) to my getting better. I'm glad I did, for several reasons, but the icing on the cake was running into a couple of the nurses I had when I was at KU, when we went to KU on Tuesday. Having them see me up and walking (one of them was my PT) -- and the encouragement and High 5's I got, was worth the effort of making the walk to where we were going.

Doing that walking, I believe, is probably what has made yesterday and today "good" days as well. I didn't get much computer stuff done yesterday, but I did work on another project. I have always carried a Day Planner of some sorts. Some points in my life, it was a much needed tool, keeping track of everything, esp. when we have 5 kids at home, with 5 sets of activities going on. Its more or less a security blanket for me, and at other point of times in my life, it kinda seemed like futile thing to do, but it was still something I wanted/felt like I needed/to do.

With all the doctor appointments, directions, lab work, and a few "social events" thrown in, even David has become dependent on my "book" (he used it when I was in the hospital). So, I spent a good part of yesterday getting it organized and caught up. One thing I used to do with my Dayplanners when Ethan was in school was always had a hand-held hole puncher available, and when I would get papers that I wanted or needed to keep (like his school schedule, or the school calendar - notes/reminders about upcoming events), I would punch holes in those pages, fold them in half, and have a section just for things like that. Every place we go .... "do you have a list of your medicines". Yes, actually, I do. And I have been keeping it up todate, with all the changes (yeah me!). I did, though, yesterday, get on Excel, and type up a new list, with a column for the changes and stuff. I will print it out this weekend, and have Ethan proofread it before I add it to my book, but thats just one more step towards being "organized".

Even though I have a year's worth of daily pages, I am only keeping one month at a time in the book I'm carrying. The rest are in another notebook of that same size. When July is over, I will take out the daily pages for July, add August to the dayplanner, and put the filled out July in the same book that has the blank pages, so if we need to go back and check something...

I added any and all address to the address book ... from all my medical stuff to family, friends, church related, eating places. I have pictures of Ethan in my Dayplanner. I even have a plastic pocket (like what would hold business cards ... and yes, I have 4 pages of business cards of the various doctors etc that I've gotten so far) -- that holds my driver's license and my Paypal debit card. Since I'm not working and don't shop, I don't need money or checks ... so I really haven't had a need to carry a purse for the last 6 weeks. However, the one thing we have run into is -- do you have a photo id. So, thats when I decided instead of trying to carry a billford, if I'm going to carry my Dayplanner everywhere, just add my Driver's licence to the mix, and we're good to go. I'm just trying to think ahead and anything we are going to need for all these dr. visits, WILL be in that book.

I even made out a list of things I wanted to blog about. So now I have 2 pages worth of things on my mind that I want to get added here. No excuses about not blogging now.

I also felt up to just ... "doing stuff" yesterday. Instead of telling Ethan what I wanted done, I got up and did it myself. Bagging up the trash, getting clothes to the hamper, organzig papers on the end table, organizing my bandage supplies and medicines. The living room looked so much better, and I think that made me feel better.

I only had one small melt down. I got the call about our appointments with the OBY/GYN and the cardiologist -- which I thought would be a couple weeks from now (that is the indication the GYN gave me when we saw her last week). The app'ts are this coming Monday. *sigh. ANOTHER trip to Kansas City. Although...that isn't when the melt down occured. It was probably a half hour later. I have one open spot on the back of my upper thigh --thats the one that leaks so much -- it was hurting. And the wrappings had come off of it. And no one was home to repack it. And I can't reach it. And I go frustrated. Between that, the not wanting to go to KC M0nday, and the pain, I just sat down and had a good little cry. But then, I was OK, and have been in pretty good spirits since then. I know these moments are to be expected, but I hate having them.

This morning ... well...in my mind....was perfect. I went to sleep last night, and I did not wake up until this morning. No pain. Both my legs were still on the recliner (alot of mornings, I will wake up, and my right left will be hanging off the recliner, asleep, and my leg will ache, to the point of numbness). I was just in a very comfortable position, and did I mention ...no pain? I didn't hurt. I didnt' want to move just because I didnt' want to spoil the moment.

However... eventually, I did get up, and yes, the pain did come, but not as bad as some days. I feel like today is "step forward" day. Just getting my book organized yesterday helped me mentally, and I think the extra walking earlier in the week helped me physically. Now I want to get all my notes blogged about, do some "comment on comments" entries, participate in some memes and finish out the day on an equally good note. And pray that I sleep as well tonight as I did last night. That would be wonderful!!!

So, my friends ... those are the thoughts rumbling around in my mind. The next few entries will go into detail how some of these days went. I'll try not to repeat myself, but just know, I AM doing better, and life is good.

Edition "A"

2009-07-13T20:38:00.001-05:00

Edition "A"

Animated Graphics - I LOVE animated graphics. I learned how to animated them several years, but out of practice, and found that I would rather buy the talents of others than use my less-than-talented and creative efforts. My blogs must always be decorative, and using mouse drawn graphics, whether they are animated or not, is one way of doing that and yet keeping the blog looking clean and yet creative.

Anxious - is a feeling that I feel pretty much 24/7 these days. To what degree depends on the day. And praying keeps it from becoming an overwhelming, all consuming feeling. But not knowing the future, not knowing the outcome of test results, has left me feeling anxious and scared.

Appalled - is what flashes through me every time the mail comes, with another bill, and the just what this "little' health crisis is ultimately going to cost. Not a good deal.

Alright - when I was at KU Med, I got several cards from someone I really didn't expect to get cards from. And in each card, she would include something, like a bookmark, or a little cartoon cut out of a newspaper that would make me laugh because it "hit home" to what I was going through. One of the things she sent was a little business size card of a cat, sprawled out on the floor, on his back, and the caption reads, "I'm alright -- REALLY". I told David more than once I was going to tape that card to the outside of my hospital door so they would quit coming in to give us yet more bad news.

Apples - one of my favorite fruits to eat

Another - not something I like, but seems to be a part of who I am. There are things that I like and need to have a as a part of my life, but "another" seems to be the direct adjective here. Another purse, another dayplanner. These items aren't bad things to include in my life, but I don't ever seem to be satisfied for long with the one I have. I'll have a Dayplanner that is different in design and layout and I can "picture" it just working better for me. Or its a different color. Same goes for purses. I am ashamed to how many of these items I have bought over the years, the amount of money I have spent. But, along the lines of "about me", this definately is weaved into the fabic of who I am.

Apologetic - I tend to do this alot. Course, I tend to mess up alot as well. I don't have a " I don't make mistakes" attitude", and esp. like when I was in the hospital lat month, when they had to move me or do things that were more difficult for them because I am larger than the "normal" patient, I would find myself telling them I was sorry. And I was. I hated being in that position, putting them in that position. Everyone was so nice, and gentle with me, and I got more than one "thank you for being such a wonderful patient" comments. I think I got a reputation on that floor, and one that I was happy to have. I'm sure they see alot of people who are at their "worst" behavior there, and I made sure I wasn't one of them. There was one only doctor I was rude to. But, I only saw him once, and I was at my wits end, hit by too many "shocks" in too short of a time, and he was insisting that I have a colonoscopy in the next few days before I had surgery ...something that hadn't been decided yet, and he didn't have his facts straight. So when he said "What? you don't want to get better?" I lost it. I just turned my head away from him, looking at David and said "You talk to him. I can't do this anymore". And I did not apologize for my behavior.

Apnea - this is something I was diagnoised with 5 years ago. The doctor detected that my heart was out of rhythm, so I spent 6 days in the hospital then. Mostly waiting (with help) for my heart to go back into rhythm. They finally figured out, after a sleep study test, that it was severe sleep apnea that was causing the Atrial Fib. We purchased a C-Pap machine, the amount of positive air pressure was configured to what I needed, and I have slept with that machine ever since.

Across The Borders - Our favorite local place to eat. They serve Mexican food as well as American. Its family owned, and we always feel welcome when we go in, and they always taken interest in their customers, keeping up with what goes on in our lives, etc. Just a nice place to go, and has been noticed by Kansas tourism, so they are usually busy, whether its local folk or those from further away.

Amazing Grace - My favorite old time hymn. Its also one of the first songs Ethan sang solo, so that makes it a special to me as well.

"About Me" Monday

2009-07-13T19:54:00.012-05:00

Starting a new weekly meme "About Me". Get to know me, alphabetically. A - Z

Edition A

Edition B

Edition C

Edition D

Edition E

Edition F

Edition G

Edition H

Edition I

Edition J

Edition K

Edition L

Edition M

Edition O

Edition P

Edition Q

Edition R

Edition S

Edition T

Edition U

Edition V

Edition W

Edition X

Edition Y

Edition Z

Summer Photo Contest

2009-07-13T13:42:00.003-05:00

Karen @ Write From Karen is hosting a photo contest that runs from now through 4:00 central time July 18. To enter, submit your favorite summer photo or something that represents summer: swimming, vacation, park, picnic, outdoor activities, bbq, fireworks, water sports, etc. Sounds like fun and I knew exactly what picture I wanted to submit.

(Click to enlarge picture)

This is a picture of my mother-in-law. We were together for a family picnic/campout, and one of the families raises goats, and brought a couple of baby goats for the afternoon to entertain us. My mother-in-law was smitten with them from the get-go. They were so cute and so funny. And made for a great photo op!

The Simple Woman's Daybook

2009-07-13T01:43:00.001-05:00

FOR TODAY July 12

Outside my window... the sun is shining brightly, the leaves are perfectly still.
I am thinking... that I amnot ready for the upcoming week.
I am thankful for... I am married to David and that he is the person he is. He has been amazing through this whole health crisis.
~~From the learning rooms...(if this applies)~~
From the kitchen... I can smell hamburger cooking.
I am wearing... my nightgown
I am creating... a fairly organized Dayplanner book, with all my medical info in it.
I am going... to strive to do better this week with getting up and getting around more.
I am reading... Sometimes A Light Surprises by Jamie Langston Turner
I am hoping... to hear really good news from the colon cancer doctor this week
I am hearing... the sound of the TV in the background
Around the house... we still have a lot more organizing and decluttering to do.
One of my favorite things... having a nice looking blog:)
A few plans for the rest of the week: doctor's appointments, lab work, catch up on blogging, catch up on responding to comments and emails, visiting some of my favorite friend's blogs!
Here is picture thought I am sharing... Liam playing pin the tail on the fish @ Alex's 2nd birthday party.

Friday Felicities

2009-07-10T11:55:00.007-05:00

Moments of being pain free
A cold Popsicle
Flipping through a newly organized day planner, with all my doctor's appointments written in, important papers punched with holes to fit nice and neat in said dayplanner book
Being at the doctor's office and having everything I need for them in above mentioned dayplanner book.
Hearing the OBY/GYN say "it feels "fluidy" to me
A "spot on -- thats what I needed at that very moment" funny card from a funny friend

On The Road Again

2009-07-09T10:14:00.003-05:00

We are headed out for Topeka again. We saw a nurse/therapist yesterday, and after unwrapping and looking at things, she thought most definately the doctor needed to look at them and proceed with some kind of treatment. Its not so much that the areas affected are "bad" -- in the sense that they are infected or anything like that -- they are clean and they are healing. But. I have so much edema going on, that its slowing the healing process down, not to mention the other risks of having poor circulation in my legs. They are huge -- which, I have always had problems with, but they are even bigger than normal. We get the edema under control and I really can see my life improving hundred fold. Not to mention, the edema under control means my leg will stop leaking.

So, we will be heading out in a little bit. Need to call about my appointment next week to see the kidney doctor. We have made 3 road trips (all of them being 100 miles plus), and I am just not up to making 3 more next week. The one we are going Tuesday and spending the night, for a Wednesday appointment, but spending another night? or traveling back? I'm thinking a reschedule is in order.

After that, for a couple weeks, the only people I should be seeing is lab people here in town to get my Protime levels where they should be since I am now back on Coumadin (yeah!!!!)

David's home, so we are headed out.

Enough Is Enough

2009-07-08T09:28:00.004-05:00

My appointment Tuesday went fairly well. I left feeling somewhat optomistic, even though we have a busy week ahead of us which I'm not looking forward to, but once we get past next week, we should know something and have somewhat of definate game plan.

My appointment Tuesday was with the OBY/GYN. She did a pelvic exam and could feel the cyst and said it felt fluidy, not hard, which, even though it was somewhat hard to read, thats kinda what she was seeing on the CT scan. And, she said that with everything I had going on, physically, she wasn't taking the elevated tumor marker numbers as gospel wither. Any or all of them could have caused those numbers to be high. She run more lab work while I was there, and we'll see if the number came down.

She wants to proceed slowly and cautiously. She wants the "outside" to be healed before we start messing with the inside. I am seeing a wound care specialist today so we know that everything is healing like it should, and maybe change the course of treatment to speed up healing a little faster. My other leg sprung a few leaks yesterday, but my leg was swollen and tight (edema, which is normal for me), so it kinda gave me an idea of what that one spot on the back of my other leg is doing, only its doing it at a steady stream, not just little pindrops of clear fluid like my shin was doing yesterday.

The next course of action is seeing the colon cancer doctor next week. We go Tuesday for a CT scan, and then we are spending the night in KC, and seeing the colon doctor the next afternoon. Its a 120 mile drive one way to see these doctors in KC, so, doing it this way next week will probably work for the best, I hope. What this doctor finds on the CT and the pathology report from the colonoscopy will determine where we go from there. The best news we could get is that the cyst needs to come out along with the flat polyup, and that will be that. Not that I want surgery in any way shape or form. But. If that is the only thing I have left to deal with with this ordeal, then I guess, I will suck it up and deal with it. I'm still not able to wrap my mind around having to deal with cancer. So, I'm pretty much in denial right now, just dealing with I'm going to do today, and just getting my strength back. And keeping pain at a minimum! (I got the Moriphine prescription filled yesterday -- such a difference in how I feel!!!) Day to day is all I can do right now.

I know God doesn't give us more than we can handle ... but I can't help but think, (wish, pray, ask, demand, beg ....) that He can stop any time now. Last night we got a devasting call from our minister's wife that one of our church members was in the ER, but it didn't look good. She called back a short time later and said that Connie didn't make it. Yes, this lady had health issues, but this was still very very unexpected. She is very very active in our church, and she was one of those ladies who would do anything for you. She was always calling me, to see how I was doing, and we just always shared alot of time on the phone, although we didn't "go anywhere" as friends. I still can't believe she's gone. I don't even know how to process my feelings with this. I'm angry. I'm heartbroken. "Stop It, God" keeps coming to mind. I don't want to deal with anymore. Enough. Is. Enough. But that is just the weak and frail human side of me. I know I will get through this, and leaning, depending on God to get me through it IS the only way I will get through it. But, again, I say -- enough is enough.

Looking At Today

2009-07-06T09:52:00.005-05:00

We will be heading to Kansas City in just a bit to see the Oby/Gyn - to find out what our game plan is to deal with the cyst and polyups -- and pray that that is all they are, and that they are not cancerous. The tumor markers were elevated when I was in the hospital, but with everything else I had going on, maybe, just maybe something else made those numbers be elevated.

I apologize for not being around -- you guys are in my thoughts and prayers of thankfulness. I have been in pain these last few days -- my morphine prescription (slow released) ran out the first of last week, and I didn't think awhole lot about it. But when I started hurting towards the end of the week, in spots that hadn't hurt before, plus I do have some water type blisters on the top back of my leg and behind (I'm think from sitting?) so we are back to little open sores again ... I have been in tears ...and ok...a "touch" of depression probably. I'm going to call my primary doctor at KU Med and see if she will refill it. I've tried to distract myself looking for that "right" look, but even that didn't work.

But. I'm facing today head on -- the little sores are all bandages up and not hurting. If I can just survive the 2 hour drive to KC - and back home, then I'll have it made. And just pray that we aren't looking at life with cancer ahead of us.

Happy 4th of July

2009-07-04T08:53:00.007-05:00

Girly Comments & Graphics

Over The Edge

2009-07-01T21:33:00.001-05:00

TMI
The day that I dreaded so much has come and gone (the colonoscopy). And yes, it was alot worse in my mind that it actually was. I stressed about the "prep" before hand, because even though I did everything the list of instructions that was sent to me said to do, "things" I had read on the internet to expect didn't happen. I had some diareha, but nothing "explosive" (sorry, I know, TMI) and I didn't spend hours in the bathroom. Even yesterday morning, with the required enama ... some, but nothing really to right home about.

So, when we got there, I told them about my concern, but as she questioned me further, and exactly what came out (watery or formed), she said it sounded like I was good to go. I do remember the procedure, but was given enough drugs that it was "OK". I was calm, didn't feel anything, and seeing the guy giving me the drugs and talking to me was reassuring, so I was OK with the fact that I was aware of what was going on and do remember it. It wasn't traumatic at all.

They found 4 polyps -- removed 2 of them to bioposy, destroyed one getting it out, and the other one was flat, so they left it -- to be removed when the surgery for the cyst is done. I see the Oby/Gyn doctor this coming Monday, so will know more then.

When it was all said and done, it was the getting in the vehicle twice that was the hardest part of the whole day. We have finally got it down how to do it, but its still a circus act, and I definately couldn't get in by myself. That will be my next big goal to work on. Working my leg muscles to get the strength back to lift them high enough to get in my car again. Oh, the things we take for granted. Course, when I first got home, it was being able to stand up from the toilet on my own. You don't realize just how much you rely on your leg muscles to get up from it.

What Sent Me Over The Edge
When we got home, the makeshift sleeve (a net equipment bag, taped around my leg) to hold the dressings in place because we had run out of what the hospital had sent home had come off. So, he reapplied the dressings, and retaped the bag. We finally found some of the netting on the internet, and he had ordered some the day before. But the place he ordered it from was in New York, and he didn't want to spend $50 to have it overnighted. So, we knew we had to "make do" util next sometime.

He has got the dressings done, he's working on truck stuff at his computer, and Ethan walks in with a box that had been delivered to us. David gave me this look like "what did you order now" -- as I gave him the same look back. And then he says "aren't you glad I didn't pay for overnight?" It was the netting for my legs.

Thats all it took. I started crying, and I couldn't stop. Ethan is saying "Mom, they gave you anxiety pills -- take them". It was such a "God Moment". Yes, there are "earthly" reasons it arrived when it did. The company he called was in New York, but they shipped it out of Missouri, which is a one day delivery. But. For it to come, yesterday, and that very moment, right after he had dressed my legs, with the make-shift stuff, fussing because he didn't know what he as going to do to get us through the next few days for supplies .... the netting shows up. So, he gets on the phone, and we find out they have everything we need. The yellow stuff with vaseline, the netting, in all sizes ...very much a God Moment.

I have cried through this whole ordeal. But its been short, "OK, you have to keep it together" bouts of crying, and that was that. The guys couldn't figure out what was wrong. But, it was like -- we just keep getting hit with bad news after bad news (including what they found yesterday ... that is another waiting game of worry with a possible ominous outcome) -- receiving something that we needed, that would make my life easier, -- some "good" news ... I wasn't holding back.

And that pretty much wiped me out for the day. Between the not much sleep, getting up early, the procedure, the getting in and out of the vehicle, and just breaking down emotionally like that, I ended up sleeping a good part of the rest of the day (like from 1:00 on). Today I haven't been real motivated either, but I really need to get back on track and get movitated again. Doing nothing isn't going to help my recovery any, and I need to keep working at walking and moving and leg exercises, and even mentally stimulating things like writing and reading -- but do something. I'm not at the end of the road yet, and this was just a short little break. Hopefully, there won't be too many more things that send me "over the edge". At least its the good things that are doing it!

The Day After

2009-06-30T13:23:00.011-05:00

Losing Track of Time
Being consumed in my own little world, focusing on doctor appointment dates and such, the "4th of July" completely slipped my mind as being a holiday. I feel like I've lost many many days of my life this past month. Its hard to imagine being in an environment where you lose all concept of time. But thats pretty much what happened. And now, not working, I dont have that daily checking off days until the weekend. At any rate, when I realized this weekend was "the 4th", I decided one of the reasons I came to Blogger was all the cute and wonderful layouts out there by some very creative ladies who do them for free. So, thus, the change in the look ... already (course, anyone who knows me knows this par for the course). The butterflies and sunflowers will be back next week.

Yesterday's Doctor Appointment
Yesterday's trip to KC went fine. Actually, in reality, it almost felt like a wasted trip. He did change my prescription for Predinsone, which I knew he would do. He is decreasing the dosage every 2 weeks, so I should be off of it in a month. He said I was looking much better, and we did talk, but he didn't unwrap anything to see how it was healing. We asked him about the one spot that keeps leaking what seems like a massive amount of clear fluid. He said as long as it was clear, it was fine, it was the edema (fluid) in my legs. The one that was doing it on my side (stretch mark on my stomach) finally dried up, so hopefully, this one will too.

We weren't able to get any of the wrapping supplies, even though one of my doctors wrote a prescription for it. David took it to the hospital pharmacy, and they said they didn't have any of it. Annoying!! But, I looked on the internet, and found what we needed, so David ordered some today. Just would have been nice to have gotten it yesterday, instead of waiting and "making do" until it gets here. Can you tell I'm not a patient person?

A Pictures is Worth A Thousand Words
I really hate to gross you guys out, but I think most people, even though we talk about this and try to describe just "what happened" to me, the mental image everyone gets probably doesn't even come close. So, if you don't mind...I am going to share some of the "worse" pictures when I was in the hospital. Keep in mind, they are getting better, healing, but there are still a few of them that need extra care and do still hurt. Otherwise, it just looks like I'm covered head to toe with age spots or freckles on the little ones that are healing or have already produced the new skin layer.

This is the same arm, a week later...

Staying Focused

2009-06-28T15:32:00.006-05:00

I haven't ventured out, but David and Ethan say that its not quite as hot out today as it has been. If there has been any silver lining to any of this being "homebound", is the wonderful A/C that we have, and I haven't had to experience any of the hot weather, not even for a second. We will be venturing out tomorrow.

But, whatever vehicle we take, it has A/C, so will stay cool going to KC tomorrow. I would like to give getting into Ethans little truck a try. I'm thinking it sits just a little lower than my Rainier, and I'm almost positive that the door frame is longer, giving me more room to swing my legs in. Getting in to a vehicle is still a circus act, and not pretty. Getting out though, I can do fairly easily. When I went to see Dr. B last week, David pulled up really close to a curb, and that worked extremely well. I was able to get out on my own. I just don't have the leg strength yet to get my leg high enough to put it into the vehicle to get in like you normally get into a vehicle. We got to cement cinder blocks and I could step up on them, and then sit on the seat, and David helped me get my legs in.

I will be sooo glad when all of this is behind me!! Just a month ago, I was allowing myself to become "emotionally" housebound. How I regret that. Never again. I'm ready to get back out in the world and be an active part of it. Now. If my body would just agree with me and cooperate. The spots are healing -- that is obvious. But there are still some that have a ways to go, and one on the back of my leg that leaks clear fluid by the gallon it seems. It did that in the hospital, but didn't do anything about it. Since we are seeing the vaculitis specialists tomorrow, we will say something about it then and see what they recommend we do. I had a similiar spot on my side -- one of my stretch marks, that they kept looking at. It leaked alot of fluid as well here at home. Just kept packing it with kitchen towels, and its finally dried up. The one on the back of my leg is where the vaculitis was the worst when it first flared up, so I suppose it has something to do with that.

The tops of my feet are looking better. I'm hoping to be able to wear my sandels tomorrow -- if only into the app't -- go barefoot out to the car (or truck) and put them on up there. I went to Dr. B's office without shoes. But. That's local, and fortuntely, there was only a couple of people in the waiting room, so it didn't look as strange as I thought it might.

God. Get me through the next couple of days. I know He will. I just need to stay calm and focused. Even the "prepping" for the colonoscopy has me nervous. That I won't do it right. I already know it will be unpleasant, but just part of it, and at least I'm here at home to deal with it. Although....if I had agreed to do it at the hospital like they all wanted me to -- I was already "cleaned out", and it would be over now, and I would only have one thing to deal with this week, instead of 3 (tomorrow's appointment, the prepping for the colonoscopy and then the actual procedure) -- and of course, just the transporting back and forth, which is no easy feat at this point in time as well. I watch these documentories about people with different ailments and such, and they always so strong and determined. How do you keep from worrying? from playing scenerios over and over in your head? trying to foresee problems that could be prevented beforehand? And remain calm and unaffected by what you know lies ahead? Prayer helps. He has washed me in calmness more than once in all of this, and I know he will continue to. Just gotta keep that line of communication open and not fall back in to that "I can do it myself" mentality I often blanket myself with. God is my Rock and my Comforter.

Friday Fill-In

2009-06-26T20:27:00.004-05:00

1. She had a great attitude that made me smile through the tears after hearing some not so good news.

2. God is by my side, always.

3. I know this: I will be extremely happy with all of this recent health stuff is behind me

4. David is patient with me -- still .

5. These words apply to me: Time is a companion that goes with us on a journey.
It reminds us to cherish each moment, because it will never come again. What we leave behind is not as important as how we have lived..

6. When I woke up this morning the sun was shining.

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to spending time with David, tomorrow my plans include not a whole lot, connecting with some online friends and Sunday, I want to spend some time with Ethan since he doesn't ahve to work.!

Friday Felicities

2009-06-26T19:58:00.006-05:00

Welcome to Friday Felicities, a meme created by Nattie – now a resident of heaven. This meme is all about creating a list of things that make you happy and Nattie knew that when you concentrate on your blessings your sorrows are not as overwhelming.

1. Being home!
2. A wonderful God who watches over us
3. Lots of books to read
4. Blog friends
5. The many prayers said for me this past month
6. Cards in the mail
7. Creative blog background makers
8. A pain free night
9. Finding another "spot" that has healed
10. The patience David has had for me during this trying month (a true blessing!!)

One Day At A Time

2009-06-26T16:21:00.005-05:00

Thats all I can do right now. The reason for the blog change. I needed some "blog pampering" -- and this new blog, new layout also calms the fear. Or, maybe is just a good way to distract me from thinking about the fear of next week. As the days of next week creep towards me, like a panther ready to devour me, I find myself trying to calm the fear. IT WILL be OK. God has been with me every step of the way, and He will be there next week as well. In the meantime, finding this creative outlet has helped. Because of everything that has happened, there is a good chance, all my "paid" domains will be let go, and I will be back in the simple world of **just** blogging. No paid blogging. No extra links. Just life expressed in words. So, I am preparing myself for that day, getting all my ducks in a row, and when it happens, it happens. Life is so very uncertain right now, on so many levels. So, I am reverting back to simple. I am reaching out -- to friends. to family. I see now so clearly how I have shut them all out in recent years.

And yet, the outpouring of love and concern and prayers ...the prayers ... I am getting prayer letters and cards from people I don't even know. It touches my heart. It has opened my heart, and God has certainly give me an abundance of time to touch the lives of others when and where I can, whether it be through cards or a phone call or even blog comments.

But I am also not going to go overboard like I often do. I'll get on a mission and try to be everything to everyone. And that serves to set me up for failure, as I often do. I have a managable list of blogger friends that I want to reconnect with. I have thank you notes I need to send. And a handful of people I just need to call and chat with. They called the hospital, but I was usually never in a good place, either physically or emotionally to actually talk to them. I know talking to them now will do me a world of good. Sitting around, thinking, dwelling on next week won't do me any good. My "boss" (our minister) called me this morning to see how I was doing, and also to see if I was up to starting the prayer chain for someone. I was, and so I did. And of course, the calls turned out to be more "about me" than about the person I had called about, but again, that outpouring of concern and prayers from my Christian family -- its there. I can feel it. I felt it in the hospital. I just wish it hadn't taken all of this that has happened this last month, and is yet to happen to make me wake up and see where I was and what I was doing with my life.

Its time. One day at a time, to turn the corner and allow the walls to come down and be a part of life again.

First Of Many

2009-06-23T16:10:00.001-05:00

The first of many doctor appointments was today. It was an easy one. My primary doctor, here in town. Just a check-in to look at my blood sugar levels that I have been monitoring, and just to catch up in person, even though he has been getting the reports from the other doctors. The hardest part of the whole process was getting in our vehicle. Getting out was pretty simple, but I either need to hurry up and heal faster, or figure out a different way of getting in. Not pretty, not to mention painful.

And I have an appointment in KC next week. But, each day, we can tell the "spots" are getting better. Even the ones that I didn't think were -- we showed Dr. B, and he said what we were seeing was new skin, and it looked good. So, that was a relief. I am dreading next week. The trip to KC. The colonoscopy on Wednesday. Prepping for it. I now wish I had not resisted so much in the hospital to have it done. I was already "cleaned out" -- and it would be done now. But. Emotionally. I think I was on the edge, and that was just one more thing. And, its behind me now. I can't change it. So, I just have to pray for courage and calmness (which He has given me each and every time I have needed it, and even a few times I didn't!), and I'll get through it.

Then on to the next hurdle.

The Last Month

2009-06-22T13:30:00.001-05:00

After almost a month long break, I have stared at this computer screen for the last 2 days, not knowing what to write. Where to begin. I do know I don't want to start blogging again until I at least surmise the last month, what has happened, and what is ahead. And yet, it seems like such a daunting, overwhelming thing to do. So. I think I will summerize the last month into a bullet list. And then the thoughts and details that I can get documented will be at my health blog where I started to document all of this in the first place. David took pictures somewhat along the way. Not every day, but enough to show the progressive healing and just what we were encountering.

Month of May: Local doctor treated me for Vasculitis

Memorial Weekend: Ran fever of 103-104

May 26: Doctor app't -- he admitted me to Coffey County Hospital (local hospital)

May 26 - 28 (Tuesday-Thursday): I'm in Coffey County Hospital

May 28 -31 (Thursday-Sunday): Vasculitis not getting any better -- the doctors decided here that I needed to be in a bigger hospital, so transported by private vechicle (David) to St. Francis Hospital in Topeka

The Vasculitis pretty much "exploded". I was covered from neck to toe in little and not so little blisters and blood blisters spots. I had 4 or 5 blisters that were probably 3 inches across.

May 31 (Sunday): Topeka decided to send me to KU Med Center in Kansas City, to be treated similiar to a burn patient.

May 31 - June 16: My new residence was KU Med Center in Kansas City.

KU Med Center determined that the Vasculitis was probably caused an allergic reaction to Kaflax (an antibodic that I took for a UTI in April ... and it didn't play nice with the Coumadin and Predinsone)

My bed was an air mattress (that was nice!)

Blisters were cut open and skin pulled away to begin the healing process. They wrapped my legs and arms in this yellow wrap that was coated with Vaseline

2nd Sunday that I was there, June 7, my stomach sounded like a ripe watermelon, it was distended, and I wasn't going to the bathroom.

Had a CT done. They found air and blood around the colon walls. I was put on MPO from Sunday to Friday Night (I literally had nothing to eat except ice chips). The surgical team saw me several times, but was being really cautious about doing surgery right then because I was so high risk with all the other problems (the atrial fib, being overweight, the enlarged heart, my kidneys took a hit because of the steroids, etc etc etc)

I was given 2 transfusions.

The surgeon told me the best medicine to get things "moving" was to get up and walk. No easy feat. Remember, my body is covered in painful blisters (although, they were giving me some good pain killers.) And I'm not a small person by any stretch of the imagination. But, Tuesday, I got up and started taking steps, and then across the room. By the end of the week, I was walking out in the hall.

When they did the CT scan,, they also found a cyst on my ovary.

Because they had taken me off all my blood thinners, they did a procedure to insert a IVC filter (an umbrella looking (without the cloth) thing that stops blood clots from my legs to my lungs

I also had a central line -- which was WONDERFUL. No getting stuck every time I needed lab work or an injection of somekind.

They did an ultra sound to further explore the cyst.

Blisters/Vasculitis healing nicely. I'm getting up more and more. No surgery for colon.

June 12 (Friday night): The oby/gyn people came in to discuss the "mass" they had found (10 cm big .... approx 4 inches?) They were going to run lab work, but it looks suspiciously like cancer.

June 13 (Saturday). Lab work levels for this was elevated. A normal level should have been around "30". My level for the tumor markers was "180".

A Mammogram was scheduled. A colonostopy also needs to be done, but there was some back and for discussion about when it should be done. Some of the team thought I should be given time to heal (the Vasculitis, plus all the steroids I have been on). Others thought since I hadn't eaten since Sunday and was "all cleaned out" already -- now was a good time. On Monday it was decided to have it done later.

June 16: Home. Home. Home At Last!

I'm not who you think I am.........

2009-05-26T13:32:00.000-05:00

This is a disclaimer... I am and do not claim to be Carolyn.

This is her son Ethan. I am writing this to let all ya'll know.... She is in the hospital... She went in about 11:30 this morning with a fever of 104.4. She's just a little Hot-Blooded. (song reference for those that didn't get that.) They are monitoring her vitals and her other ailments. You can read what those are at Here. For all the local yokels, give me a call... If you don't know my phone number, leave a comment and i will email you with the info.... I will periodically update the next couple of days....

Well the bells and whistles are going off here, I shall return in a little while.... ttyl and farewell for now....
The bells and whistles aren't really going off its just her iv machine is beeping .....

First Things First

2009-05-18T13:34:00.000-05:00

Where do we go from here? For 33 years, we have been raising children. In one form or the other. As small children, as teenage children and a baby. As an older child. And now? We will become Empty Nesters. He has graduated. And even though his plans are still "un-known" (he wants to take a year off, and then go to college, but honestly, I don't see that happening. Although... if thats what he wants to do, we can start focusing on that direction and make it happen).

So what do we do as Empty Nesters? Things stay the same? Work, work, work? Or, can we take off and maybe do some vacationing from time to time, not having to worry about who Ethan would stay with, or what we would do with him? We still have Branson tickets that we have paid for and never used. Or, we could take off for the Outer Banks and spend a couple of weeks there. I don't know. But it would be nice to get away.

But in the reality of things, I am taking it day by day. With the health issues I'm having, I don't even know if I'm going to work tomorrow. So, I guess first things first, and then we discuss that "get away" when I am feeling/doing better.

It's Your Day, Ethan

2009-05-16T23:42:00.000-05:00

Love Dare Challenge

2009-05-16T13:45:00.000-05:00

Beginning Sunday, May 17, Karen from "Write From Karen" is going to take us through a Love Dare challenge. She will be post the first 10 challenges (on challenge a day for 10 days). challenge from the Love Dare book . AND, she will be giving away a couple of books... the Love Dare Book and one Fireproof DVD.

All we have to do is comment on the current day's challenge. Of course, we should also actually try the challenges, and then the comment will be worth two tickets instead of one. Karen recognizes the important of the book and this challenge, towards healing our marriages instead of walking away from them. I support this concept whole heartedly as well (after 25 years of marriage, there have been lots of opportunities and reasons to walk away. But we didn't). Thanks Karen, for the time and work you are putting into this challenge.

Weekly Wrapup #31: Knowledge is Power

2009-05-16T13:44:00.000-05:00

This actually comes from last week at Weekly Wrapup ... but its pretty timely for me, and she has posted this weeks questions yet, so I'll play along with the questions from last week.

Did you do any sort of research in the last week? (Sure, Googling counts!) Yes, I did. I have something really really weird going on with my feet and legs. Even my doctor finds it "interesting" and isn't 100% sure what it is.

Was it for work or play? Neither. Information -- health reasons

Learn anything you’d care to share? My doctor threw some names out, and is treating it aggressively with Prednisone. I "Googled" Vasculitis. And I found a picture of there of exactly what my feet and legs look like. I have been documenting this problem here.

Do you have a hunger for knowledge or are you more passive? I would say at this late date (I'm 50!), that I'm more passive about knowledge. I have a hard time remembering just the simpliest of things these days.

Do you like the learning (aka school?) I liked school when I attended many moons ago, but going back to school now is not on my agenda of "things I want to do before I die".

I'm Not Stressed. Not Me.

2009-05-15T15:00:00.000-05:00

I feel like I am finally getting some answers, or at least figuring things out. The rash on my feet had me worried, but it has progressed to had me really scared. Thus, the trip back to the doctor. Bottom line, he's baffled. He brought another doctor in, and he was equally baffled. They threw out a few "guesses", and they are going with those guesses to proceed with treating it. After looking through Google with their guesses, I found several pictures that nail it right on to what my feet and legs look like. In some ways, its a relief. I was thinking various different kinds of cancers -such as Mesothelioma cancer or some kind of skin cancer. But, what their (my doctor and the other doctor he called in to look) guesses led me to find was I have "vasculitis" -- which an inflammatory disease of the blood vessels. Because you have blood vessels go all over your body, it could affect any given part of your body. Heart, lungs, brain, kidneys. That is why they are watching my blood with lab work so closely. Right now, its just attacking the soft tissue. And everything I have read says to treat it with prednisone. He doubled my rigiment this week... last week he had me taking 3 tabs daily for 5 days...2 tabs daily for 5 days, and then 1 tab daily for 5 days.

When I saw him Tuesday, and he decided to get more aggressive with it, I am now taking 6 tabs daily for 3 days, 4 tabs daily for 3 days, 2 tabs daily for 3 days and 1 tab daily for 3 days. Hopefully, in 12 days we will see a major improvement.

One area I have seen an improvement in with the double dosage is better kidney function. It felt good to be able to pee normal again. Its been awhile. The bad side to this though -- and he warned me this would happen, my blood sugars would be higher. I checked tonight....399. Not. Good. But, I feel fine, and we know its medicine induced ... so, its just something I will have to deal with, document well, so the guys (David or Ethan) know what they have been doing if the sugar levels go higher and I do go into distress.

Such fun. And I have a graduation to attend, and a reception to throw (actually 1 1/3...we are doing one for Ethan on Saturday, and we are part of one for the 3 cousins on Sunday) afterwards. Can we say ...stressed? Nahhh. not me. Didn't think so.

Friday Fill-In

2009-05-15T14:59:00.000-05:00

1. If we had no winter, we wouldn't appreciate the warmth and newness of spring.

2. My grandson a perpetual astonishment.

3. If I had my life to live over I would change my eating habits

4. Ethan will be walking across the stage and receiving his high school diploma inside of four and twenty hours.

5. If you've never been thrilled you aren't living life to the fulles.

6. To be interested in the changing seasons is to appreciate change.

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to checking more things off my list, tomorrow my plans include celebration of our last child graduating and Sunday, I want to rest! ...but there is more celebrating to do.

Skywatch Friday

2009-05-15T13:46:00.000-05:00

Click over to Skywatch Friday for more "Skywatching" pictures

from all over the world.

I think of all the pictures I take, taking pictures of the skies is the most fascinating for me. Seems like the sky is never painted the same way twice.

Booking Through Thursday

2009-05-14T16:08:00.000-05:00

Book Gluttony! Are your eyes bigger than your book belly? Do you have a habit of buying up books far quicker than you could possibly read them? Have you had to curb your book buying habits until you can catch up with yourself? Or are you a controlled buyer, only purchasing books when you have run out of things to read?

Oh yes, most definately. If I didnt' buy another book, I would have enough reading material to last me 5 years. I have been able to curb my book buy habits only because I am signed up with several web sites who promote newly released books, so I get 5 - 10 books a month to review. I can pick and chose -- they aren't just send automatically. So, its still a "my eyes are bigger than my bookshelf" scenerio. The only difference is the books come right to my house, no shopping. I just try to stay organized and read them in a timely matter to get them reviewed before the deadline, if at all possible.

Blog Of Choice

2009-01-01T16:02:00.000-06:00

Happy New Year Glitter

As you are probably aware of, I have many blogs. For many different reasons. With the new year, and the clean slate that we often associate with that new year, I have done alot of thinking, made some goals, and have made the decision that A Single Day will be my "blog of choice" for the new year.

I hate that stumbling around from blog to blog feeling I get as I try to make one or the other "home". I have put all my blogs into a mental hat, and ASD is the one that has been chosen as the "designated blog". So... once again, if you don't mind, reset your links for me. There will be some activity here. But the "Home Blog" for Carolyn Strawder will be found at http://asingleday.com. Hope to see you there (and please, please please, let me know you were there.).

All of this is about being a better blogger, and that street goes both ways. Besides landing on just one blog and staying put, I also want to land on your blogs, frequently, and make myself known. 2009 is going to be more than a "status quo" year. I want to move forward. Make changes in areas that I'm not happy with. There are some major areas that I am soo not happy with, but because they are major areas, they will take major changes. My thought process for this year is to start small, and with things that I love, and fairly confident that I will follow through with. I love all of blogging friends, but I'm not sure you all know that, and that is because I tend to carry an IRL trait into my blogging world. Being quiet.

Well, my friends. Its time I step up to the plate and let you all know I AM here, and I do care about you and what goes in your life. And the only way you are going to know that is to say so. So, hopefully, you will see evidence of me just a little more often. And that you won't have to watch me fade from you life because I have decided to move to a new blog home.

Goal #1 - Pick a Blog and stick with it!!!!!

Goal #2 - Pick my friends and stick with them!!!!

Sounds like a plan? does to me. So, don't forget ... change your links to me to http://asingleday.com. And I'll see you over there. Happy New Year, my wonderful friends. Have you set new goals for yourself, or are you happy and content with your life, and pray for a year as wonderful as this past year has been?

Ah - ah -ah .... don't answer that here....

Wishing Everyone A . . .

2008-11-27T09:02:00.000-06:00

Girly Comments & Graphics

30 Words 30 Days - Pictures

2008-11-12T07:09:00.000-06:00

I love taking pictures -- and I love the concept of scrapbooking. I have all the stuff to do it, but don't sit down very often to do actual scrapbooking. Usually, my scrapbooking time centers mostly around spending a day with a really good friend in Kansas City, and we call it our scrapbook day. Most of my pictures end up on the computer,and into galleries of one kind or the other. This is evident in this GALLERY here, although, it needs some major updating as well. I have some 300 pictures or more that we took with my new camera a couple weekends ago that I have yet to get added to this particular gallery.

I am always interested in the different layouts and galleries out there to display my pictures, but I think, so far, this one that I am using is the best. Like everything else though, I just need to spend more time with it and keep it better updated. My life and my jobs keep getting in the way of my internetting. Imagine that!

- Day 12 in a month's worth of words

Feeling Yucky

2008-11-11T22:51:00.000-06:00

Word of the day - ... Yuck. I don't know if its the flu or what, but I have been fighting queasiness all. day. Some moments worse than others.

'nuff. said.

- Day 11 in a month's worth of words

30 Words 30 Days - Travel

2008-11-10T21:36:00.000-06:00

We don't travel much anymore, although I would like to. But when we were first married, we traveled more than our fair share ... pun intended. We worked at a company that manufactured plush animals and puppets -- here is a link to what one looks like. We sold the business in 1997,and it closed the doors in 2000. So, our website is long gone, but the puppets themselves are still out there.

Anyway, for several years, we sold our puppets and plush only at fairs. All over the United States. David and I ran a circuit that started the end of July and we didn't get back home until October. We started in Milwaukee, WI, did alot of the midwest, and southern states (Oklahoma, Texas), and then up to Washington state. We saw alot of beautiful country, but it was hard work nonetheless.

When we retire, I would love to travel the country again -- only this time, at our leisure. Not working like David's mom and dad still do. Granted, that IS who his dad is. If he were to "retire" and just stay at home, he would die within a month, I have no doubt of that. He is a worker, and has to keep going, doing what he has done all his life. David has alot of that same determination and drive; but mellowed out just a bit. He works alot of hours like his dad. But, if we need to do family stuff, we do it.

Maybe we can get away for a few days one of these days. We had thought about it for our anniversary, but we didn't get it put together. Find a happy medium of traveling. Not millions of miles away from home, but also more than a couple of hours. That would be nice.

- Day 10 in a month's worth of words

30 Words 30 Days - Directory

2008-11-09T18:00:00.000-06:00

This would be the church directory. An annual publication. Which drives me up the wall. I spend a year, making updates (and corrections). Adding new members, making new serving lists for the next year. And then we proofread and proofread. And proofread some more. The preacher's wife gets someone to help her, and one reads, and the other checks. And then we proofread some more.

At some point, we say "enough is enough" -- and we decide to publish. Hopefully it happens right after the first of the year; but that doesn't always happen. I try to have serving lists from various groups in the church, like the days and hostesses of the CWF ladies. Or who has Meet and Greet each month. Sometimes, these groups aren't on the same time table I am. Frustrating. But. We get it done. And then we wait for the calls. This phone # isn't right. This address is wrong. We try. We really do. But, inevitably, there will always be mistakes.

My response? "Oh, I know. Just checking to see if anyone would catch it". What else can I say? I make mistakes. Mistakes can and will happen. Always. I don't think people realize just how many hours and how much effort goes into the weekly bulletins, the bi-monthly newsletter, and esp. the directory. Most people are pretty understanding. But there are a few...

'nuff said.

- Day 9 in a month's worth of words

30 Words 30 Days - Baskets

2008-11-08T23:49:00.000-06:00

You couldn't describe me without thinking of baskets. I love baskets. I have baskets all over our camper. There are various baskets of different sizes and shapes in our living room serving different purposes. At the church, I have a basket that is always filled with candy (money is put in the basket if I fail to get it filled one Sunday ... talk about leaving hints.) I'm easy to please in the basket department. I would love to fill my house with Longenberger baskets, but that isn't going to happen. I have a few, but thats about it. Thankfully, most baskets are reasonably priced and easy to find at most stores. I love baskets.

- Day 8 in a month's worth of words

In Regards To ...

2008-11-07T10:57:00.000-06:00

My Post: 30 Words 30 Days

diana
Yes, you are right. Being wired the way I am, I really need a "theme" to be consistent here all the way through November. I was disappointed that I didn't complete the 100 Word Challenge, so this seemed like a good way to try again, only on a smaller scale. Click on the Tagged: NABLOMOPO link in my side bar -- I'm going to go back and pick up the first 7 words. I've already posted each day, so doing this shouldn't be considered cheating. Just adding to.

30 Days 30 Words

2008-11-06T08:55:00.000-06:00

Moe at Just Because started a 100 Word 100 Days challenge. I started this earlier this year, but didn't make it to 25. I've been looking for a "theme" for the November NABLOPOMO and decided that I would do a "30 Word - 30 Day" Challenge. Here is what she had to say about the 100 day challenge:

Lists are easy to make and they are very personal to the person making them. Often the reader may not have the slightest idea what the list is about or it might be as transparent as a loaf of bread, a container of milk and a stick of butter.

Very quickly without much thought make a list of 100 words that are relevant to who you are and where you are at right now. Don't explain the words or why you chose them. Just quickly write them down. Around the fifty mark you'll start to slow down but persevere.

Here is my 30 Day 30 Word list.
1. shopping
2. sleep
3. graphics
4. photography
5. reading
6. happy
7. depressed
8. basket
9. directory
10. travel
11. pictures
12. cellphone
13. medications
14. cat
15. blue
16. burgandy
17. VBS
18. secretary
19. writing
20. journaling
21. newsletter
22. caregiver
23. drama
24. song
25. family
26. finances
27. money
28. goals
29. health
30. work

Too Little Time

2008-11-05T22:54:00.000-06:00

Its Wednesday,and I was finally able to start on the billing at the trucking company. We have had computer problems all over the place. My computer here at home stopped working. At the trucking company, the computer works OK, the internet works fine, but it won't network with David's computer. Which means I couldn't do the billing from my computer. Fortuntely, he had set up a laptop for the boss's wife to work on,so I used that to work on the billing today. He finally got it done for me so I could start on it. I got it done, all except for one company,and I had questions and he wasn't there. So, I'll do it first thing tomorrow. Do the copying,and I will be back on track.

I have several extra projects at the church as we;;,but should be done with most of them tomorrow,and then its back to work as usual.

I love my new camera. I snapped a bunch more pictures going out to work,as well as coming home. Lots of cow pictures. And weather pictures. It stormed today, so I have pretty cloud pictures, and a rainbow. When I get my computer back, I am going to start posting more pictures here. Thats the whole point of blogging,right? Otherwise, my camera will be like the commercial, where all these characters are standing around -- a kid in a costume,the Easter bunny, a graduate, etc -- and they represent pictures taken, and someone is going to be deleted because the memory card is full. No sense in taking the pictures if I'm not going to do anything with them. I actually have -- I have a gallery set up. I just need to get these pictures with the new camera added to it, and I'll be caught back up. Just have too much to do, and not enough time.

Tuesday Tidbits

2008-11-04T22:18:00.000-06:00

It's getting late and I am going off to bed soon. But, knew I needed to get in here and post. Its been one of those days, hitting the floor running. And then the internet didn't work today out at the trucking, so wasn't able to post during my lunch hour. I needed to pick up a few groceries this evening, and got a load of dishes going. I watched part of the election returns on TV, but not for the whole evening. Ethan had to work, so it was pretty quiet for most of the evening. David has class tomorrow night, so he's been working on that. Just what he needs to add to his already overloaded agenda ... homework. And there are days, this class is more of a stressor than a help. But, when he steps back from it, and allows it to work, then it is working. It just takes some conscious efforts to make the change, just like anything else.

All in all, that was my day. How was yours?

Manic Monday - November 3

2008-11-03T09:55:00.000-06:00

How many hours of TV do you watch per week? Do you feel that's too much, not enough or just right? I'm sure we watch way too much TV. We work during the week, but most evenings, we watch some TV at one time or the other. At least one hour a night, and probably 3 maybe 4 other nights. The weekends vary. Lots of times, we aren't home, or we are camping, so no TV then.

Which of the 5 senses do you feel is your strongest sense? my sense of taste. It overpowers all the others -- and makes me eat more than I should:)

What's the wackiest belief you held as a child? That babies came from saving S & H savings stamps. (blame my aunt who had 7 children for that one)

Road Trip From My Phone

2008-11-02T13:45:00.000-06:00

Since Ethan couldn't go with us yesterday, we decided we would take another little road trip today and check truck's north. Yesterday he checked all of his trucks south of us. I think he said we drove 100 miles yesterday,

Our final destination today is Emporia, which is where we are now. David & Ethan are in WalMart and I'm writing this from my phone. How cool is that?

When we get home, I'll dump all my pictures to the computer. I'll post one or two here but the majority of them will go on my gallery.

Ok...now to try and send thus without losing it

Day 1 of the NABLOPOMO challenge

2008-11-01T09:01:00.000-05:00

The first of November. Scary. That means we are heading into the holiday seasons, and we just left them, didn't we? This year has flown by fast. Anyway. Down to business. Since I try to blog most every day anyway, this really shouldn't be much of a challenge. And yet, I do miss, from time to time. So, I am picking up the sword of challenge, and joining the ranks of those who are committing to blogging every day for 31 days. Its the November NABLOPOMO challenge. People will be watching and checking, to make sure you fulfill your committment. And there are prizes. I'm always up for a good challenge with prizes.

I want to get off to a good start. We will be leaving shortly on a road trip, part of our "all week anniversary" celebration. We don't know which direction we are headed, where we are going, or what we will be doing -- other than snapping pictures along the way. Its just a day about us and being together. So, there is a good chance we might not get back until late, and I don't want to blow the NABLOPOMO challenge, first day out. So, here I am:) I would like to maybe work on a theme throughout the challenge, but for today, its all about just geting that first post in. 1 down, 29 more to go.

More Words Later

2008-10-29T23:30:00.000-05:00

I will share words about today later, but wanted to share these pictures now. This is the man I have spent the last 25 years with. Hard at work.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

And these were totally unexpected. We "celebrated" Tuesday, and it did our thing. It never occured to me that he might try to slip just one more thing in for our special day. 20 years ago, I would listen for every door opening to see if it was flowers coming my way. And then often be disappointed because it would be "just" a carnation in a vase. Not much money spent, not much imagination. You know... when you lose the attitude and expectations, life takes on a whole new light. Looking forward to spending another 25 years with this man!

In Regards To ...

2008-10-29T08:11:00.000-05:00

My Post: Making It Simple

Susan:
In some small ways, I dread getting older. But, days like yesterday and the way I honestly truly felt, getting older and changing the way you feel and react makes it all worth it. And, over time, he has also grown. I haven't written it, but you'll have to read how the REAL anniversary day went. I'll be writing it shortly ...

diana:
There was a little extra added bonus to doing what we did. David is taking a Dale Carnegie class, which is on Wednesday night, which is what threw a loop in our plans to begin with. So, by doing what we did -- celebrating on Tuesday, he was able to go to his class on Wednesday. He had to give a 2 minute report on how he was applying one of the "Human Relations Applications". He told the class that by all rights, he shouldn't be at class that night, that he should be sitting at an Outback Steakhouse, celebrating 25 years of marriage with his wife. But by .... blah, blah, blah ... and he worked one of the principles in. And they gave him an award. Which just made his day. Everyone will eventually win, but he sooo didn't want to be the last one to be awarded something (you know, that "don't pick me last" syndrome we all feared in grade school). His report the week before just "didn't work". He was to demonstrate something, and anything that could have gone wrong, did. So, he was upset, discouraged, and to the point where he didn't even want to go back. But, his boss paid $1600 for him to take the course, so he knew he had to go, regardless.

Winning the award, for the reason he did, on the day he did ... just make our decision just that much sweeter. We have fought so much over the years about piddly stuff like this -- that this just really drove home to us what is to be gained when you compromise and listen to each other.

A perfect ending to a perfect day.

Making It Simple

2008-10-28T23:47:00.000-05:00

This is pretty typical of what the last 25 years have been, no real planning, or if there was planning, its subject to change. For the better part of the year, we had thought about going to Branson for our anniversary this year. But, quite honestly, I'm not up to. David even suggested (well, his dad suggested it, and David went along with it) that we could use their little electric carts to get around. But. I just didn't think it would be something I would enjoy. I think I would have loved the drive down there. But, the actual activities and stuff... hmmm... I just don't know. PLUS, us getting away for 3 or 4 days, I just don't see it happening.

So, this weekend, we are "ok, so what ARE we going to do for our anniversary". This is the big 2-5. We had to do something! The real catch though was, David has "class" on Wednesday night. He is taking a Dale Carnegie class in Kansas City (a 2 hour drive from here). I suggested that I go with him, we get a motel room (with WiFi), I would take my computer, and just hang out while he was at class. But. What about a "special supper". 4:00 is too early, and 9:00 is too late. And then, I suggested we take it on into the next day ... do some shopping, have our special meal at noon.

But, as we discussed it, there were "yeah but"... and it just was wayyyy to complicated to try and figure it all out. Trying to balance work and play and fun and romance .....

So. I threw out another suggestion. How about .... we go to Topeka tonight, do our special meal (Outback Steakhouse!), go shopping (we had specific "gifts" in mind that we wanted to buy for each other). Come home, and he just go to his class tomorrow like normal. Even though tomorrow is our actual anniversary, I was ok with celebrating it today, and taking the pressure off him to "make it work" tomorrow. Plus, I also suggested that maybe we could take a road trip on Saturday, just get in the Explorer and drive. Take pictures with my new camera, stop when we see something interesting, and just enjoy the day as a family.

It was like a huge stone had been plucked off his shoulders. He thought these were great suggestions. We were just spinning our wheels trying to make our anniversary work around his class. And these days, I'm all about making things in his life go easier. 10 years ago, I'm sad to say, I probably would have thrown a pity party, and made him feel guilty. But, I've come along ways -- in alot of departments.

Just the fact that we could go to Topeka and spend the kind of money we did tonight...says alot about how far we -- I -- have come. It was a good feeling to be able to buy David something that cost more than $25. (it was like $400 -- we got a new flat screen TV).

Life is good, and I am blessed to share it with a special man. We may not live life like "normal" people do, but it works for us, and its all about being flexible and compromise.

In Regards To ...

2008-10-27T23:24:00.000-05:00

My Post: Back Against The Wall

diana:
Glad someone missed me:) And its reassuring to know I'm not the only one to procrastinate to the point of having to work a marathon of hours to get it done. I would like to think I have learned my lesson ... but if I go missing for a few days towards the end of January ... you know where I'll be.

Talk..to..Grams
So do I take this to mean you think my idea here is a good one? Whenever you comment, I will try really hard to do entries like these to respond to you. Of course, the operative word here is "try". I tend to get ovewhelemed, or busy, or just plain procrastinate at times. But, I do think this will work, and hopefully get readers to come back and read more! I am really hard to get back to the basic principles of blogging with this blog. If you haven't noticed, I get easily distracted (...by pretty objects....ah, pretty butterfly).

Karen did a great job with your new banner. I really like it! Course, like I commented at your blog... she'll have to change it to Christmas in not to long. I already know these next 2 months are going to go by waaayyy too quickly!

Back Against The Wall

2008-10-27T17:16:00.000-05:00

I broke the "writing every day" comittment for NABLOPOMO I had made, but in light of this weekend, it couldn't be helped. And, the official NABLOPMO is actually November, so trying in October was just a good warm-up. Why did I not post anything here over the weekend? I was on the computer all weekend. Literally. Like 25 hours worth. I had painted myself into a corner with a quarterly report we are required to do with the trucking company. Its due the last day of the month -- the month after the end of the quarter. That would be October 31. Its called an IFTA report. And basically, what we have to do is report all fuel our trucks bought in all the states we run in. David had trip sheets made up that the guys fill out on a daily basis, and turn in once a week, along with their log sheets and expenses and fuel charges. My job is to check the log sheets and expenses against their log sheets. And then, from that, David has written a program in Excel where I enter all their information.

Done right, I should be able to do a fleet's worth (15 trucks) in my 2 "working" days, which is 4 hours a day. But, if I miss a day for any reason, then the schedule gets thrown off. But, I have all quarter to get it done, so shouldn't be a problem, right?

Well, I let it go, let it go, and now we are just a few days away from when its due.

So. I started Saturday morning, and started inputting information. I was on truck 7 Saturday night. Sunday was a repeat of Saturday. BUT, I got it done. David needs to spend a few hours now pulling it all together and submitting the report.

I've not ever done it at home, but now that I know I can, I am NOT going to get in this spot again. I don't mind bringing it home and working on it. I just didn't want to work the extra hours out to the office on it. So, these next few weekends, I'm not going to work as hard on this quarter as I just did, but I do want to get it totally caught up, and stay on top of it, and then I won't have to do a marathon weekend in January like I just did this past weekend. It was NOT fun, let me tell you.

Aloha Friday

2008-10-24T07:30:00.000-05:00

It's Friday, and I've decided to join the ranks of those participating in Aloha Friday. Kailani at An Island Life, has posted a question, and invites us to ask our own question on our blog, then sign Mr. Linky. Play along! Visit everyone who is participating and answer their question.

My question:
If you are married, how many years? If not, do you have a significant other and how long have you been together?

David and I will be celebrating 25 years next Wednesday!

Thinking Out Loud

2008-10-23T19:22:00.000-05:00

OK -- just thinking outloud here. This is something I have struggled with at other blogs, and I have played around with an idea on how to do it here. What is that, you ask? How to respond to comments. I know some email the commenter -- I'm thinking with some (I know WP has a plugin where you can do this), that its just as simple as clicking on the commenters name, and it takes you to your email program, and you just type away.

The most popular way of responding to comments that I have seen is for the author of the blog to respond to the commenters right there, using the same form the commenter used. Seems easy enough. But. If you leave a lot of comments, do you then go back to those same blogs, same posts to check and see if the author of the blog responded? Thats what most people do, so it must work.

But. I think I am going to try something just a bit different, and see what happens. Any feedback on this would be greatly appreciated. With each post that has any comments, the next post will be a response to the commenter. If 3 people comment, I'll do them all in the same post. And go back and add more if some comments a few days later. There is probably a very good reason why I haven't run across anyone who does it this way, but I am going to give it a try and see what happens. If you can think of a good reason why responses to comments shouldn't be posted on the front page, I'd love to hear from you to why.

I know, I know. I need to get a life. But this bugs me. And I'm trying really hard at this blog to be more outgoing. I'm really bad about not responding to comments, as well as not leaving many comments. Not because I don't care what you have to say -- quite the opposite. Those I love to read daily, I almost stalk you, if you haven't figured that out already. But. In real life, I am really really quite, and don't add much to most conversations. And that tends to happen here as well. But, I'm working on that:) So, bear with me as I try various different ways of responding to comments and see what works best.

ADDED THOUGHT: I just thought of another reason why this might work best as well. Some of you read via Google Reader and other such tools. Do you go to check comments to see if the author has responded to your comment? doesn't that defeat the purpose of the Google Reader then? So, by doing it on the front page like this, it will be picked up as a regular post, and now you won't think I'm not a stuck up snob:) and you won't have to double read.

ANOTHER ADDED THOUGHT: So, if you have commented in the last few days, scroll on down a bit. I'm going to go back a few days and respond to y'all, and will change the posting dates to correlate to the post I'm responding to. Make sense?

In Regards To ...

2008-10-22T22:00:00.000-05:00

My Post: Today's Small Things - Guilt

Talk..to..Grams:
I know, that was frustrating this afternoon, not being able to get on. I was wanting to do a post, but had to wait. And then when I could get on, the thought has passed. I should have wrote it down. Glad you didn't give up, and came back. There was a note from Blogger saying they would be down for maintence tonight, but now its gone, so maybe they got it all fixed up, whatever was wrong.

Yes, my heartstrings are being pulled every which way. I hate having to have a cold heart and not making any effort to spend time with either one of them (my son or my exDIL) so I can spend time with Malachi, but I feel like for right now, the less I interact with either one of them, the better. I pray that one of these days, they will come to terms and be able to work things out where they can just enjoy their lives and their son and not be so consumed with this hatred and need to be "right" and the other one be so wrong in their parenting efforts. Right now it is a lose-lose situation. And the one to suffer is Malachi. I've been divorced, but we never went through anything like this!

I appreciate the prayers!

Today's Small Thing - Guilt

2008-10-22T16:34:00.000-05:00

Each weekday, Rachael Anne posts one simple activity that we can do along with her and a few hundred Company Girls to help us make our home a sanctuary for our family. She even designs a cute tally sheet you can download and print out to keep track. She issues points for the activity and gives prizes at the end of the month. How cool is that? I have lurked for awhile -- joined the ranks of the Company girls, but haven't actually participated yet.

Today's simple thing is "Have Nice (Guilt) Trip". Rachel Anne challenges us:

What's eating at your heart today? Is your guilt based on something that you can take action to change? Is it over something you've already been forgiven of? Or is it based on unrealistic expectations of perfection that you need to let go of?

How timely. Just yesterday, I talked about feeling guilty. And yes, I still feel guilty about not spending as much time with my grandkids as I could. That is a 2 way street, and I could call more often, send them cards and little stuff when we don't see them ... this is definately an area I could improve in.

BUT. What I have decided not to taken ownership of is the guilt I feel about not choosing sides in this court case that I was subpeoned to. It all turned out well for me. The lawyer that sent it to me called me Tuesday night, and we talked. He quickly realized I would be of no help to him. As he said ... if I was testifying on Jason's behalf, it wouldn't be any big deal. It wouldn't have much weight in the eyes of the court. Its "assumed", or "expected" that "the mom" will be on her son's side. However, if the mom was to take the ex-DIL's side, then that is a HUGE factor, and should be presented as such.

Maybe I'm seeing (or not seeing) what I want to see. But, Malachi is a happy-go-lucky boy whenever I see him. Yes, I'm sure there are behavioral problems, all the way around -- but what child doesn't have behavioral problems. Its part of being a child. If I thought he was being abused, mistreatd, neglected or any other else that would warrant him not being in one home or the other, or even change residences w/shared custody, I would say so. But, I don't see that. So, how can I take sides? by not taking one side or the other, then yes, it seems like I am betraying either my son or my exDIL. But, actually, the ultimate betrayal would be in taking sides. In this instance, not taking action is the best thing I could do. And hope that they both forgive me for doing so.

In Regards To ...

2008-10-21T22:07:00.000-05:00

My Post: Right Or Wrong

Talk..to..Grams:
I am so glad you found me again. I have missed you! I need to go back and read and catch up on what has been going on with you.

diana:
As you have probably read, I didn't have to testify. I'm not confrontational, but when my exDIL's lawyer kept saying "I told you last night you didn't have to be here", I finally told him that I would have thought he would have talked to me FIRST before making the court subpeona me and wasting everyone's time. I have been up front with my exDIL about my torn feelings and not knowing who is "right" and who is "wrong" (and the accusations that are going on, I know friendship and faith in another person should be strong enough. But both sides (and I've talked to my son's lawyer at length ... SHE was very interested in talking to me early on) talk a good game, and I just don't see or believe it on either side. I see BOTH sides being good people, so by believing one side or the other now means my judgement of people should be in question.
So, not "being involved" is my only course of action. I still don't understand why her lawyer didn't have me come to his office at any time over the last 6 months and talk. Sure would have saved me a whole range of emotions over these last few days.

Shara:
I appreciate the encouraging words, and yes, I know the Lord is looking out over all of us. I cannot tell you how relieved I was when the lawyer told me I didn't have to be there. Answered prayer! and what is even more ironic, just shortly after that, we went to a restaurant to meet David's mom and dad there, and as we were walking in, my son's lawyer was walking in the other door. So, I approached her, and said "I have to ask", and she didn't even let me finish. She says "its not my subpeona". I told her I figured that out (I had called my son when I knew about it, but hadn't gotten it yet (because the person serving it didn't want to drive 10 miles out in the country to where I was to give it to me. He left a card with Ethan and told him to have me get ahold of him). So, my son said something to his lawyer about it. That pretty much clinched it. I DIDN'T have to be there.

Only...in my gut ... it was a COURT ordered piece of paper, and I decided I wasn't going to trust the lawyers. I'd rather waste an afternoon, sitting outside the court room, reading a book, and not be called in -- than to not show up, and find out ...as they are dragging me off to jail for contempt of court ... that it didn't MATTER what the lawyer(s) said ... court ordered is court ordered. Anyway, God was looking over me. Now if he can just knock some sense in to these two parents and teach them how to play nice ... we'll be in good shape.

Right Or Wrong

2008-10-21T11:57:00.000-05:00

Right or wrong, this is what I do. I have done it my whole life. When faced with confrontation, I back away. Even shut down emotionally if the situation warrants it. This is not something I talk about much here, but. . . I am faced with a situation right now, that I feel like I need to get the thoughts out of my head and on to paper. Blogging about it may not be the best outlet, because I am not sure who all will read what I write here. I'm not going to go into a lot of detail, but I am going to put my thoughts out there. Right. Or. Wrong.

I know alot of grandparents out there would fight tooth and nail for their grandchildren. I feel guilty that I am not one of those grandparents. My choices, my decisions have cost me precious time and memories with one of my grandchildren. I work alot, blog alot, be a homebody alot, so I don't see any of my grandkids on a consistent basis. 4 of them live 60 miles from here, and we do go see them, camp with them, but still, I can count on one hand the amount of actual days in a year we see them. The other 2 live here in the same town. One is the son of my son's 2nd wife. Which would make him my step-grandson. However. MY children were "step-grandchildren", and I HATED watching the obvious seperation in "my grandchildren" and "my step-grandchildren". So, when divorce happened with our children, and remarriage, with children occured, I was bound and determined that they were ALL my grandchildren, and try not to make a seperation in the two.

The other grandchild ... well... he has a special place in my heart. I was in the delivery room, holding his mom's hand when he came into the world. His mom and I had become good friends, which is not normal when it comes to the Mother-in-law/Daughter-in-law relationship. But. We were, and thats just the way it was. She was there for me, through the good and bad. When my mom died. When I was put in the hospital for Atrial Fib. She would call me and encourage me to get out there and walk when I was on diet programs. She was, in all essence, what a friend was.

It broke my heart when my son and her divorced. Even before the divorce, we would try to convince my son that she wasn't being THAT out of line, and that it was called "marriage", and marriage took a certain amount of committment and yes, even sacrifice. Obviously, we never got through to him, and soon, they joined the ranks of divorced couples, with a child in the middle.

My son, ... being "my" son, avoiding confrontation at any cost, kept his distance from me. He knew that his ex-wife and I were good friends, and he respected that. So, I mostly got "what was going on" from one side. But -- also -- after being good friends for several years now, I also thought I knew both of them, and, I suppose, for all intensive purposes, I took my now, ex-DIL's side.

Fast forward to "now". My son is remarried. And they are STILL fighting over custody issues with my grandson. I have stepped back, and tried really hard not to take sides. I love my son. I love my ex-DIL. And I love my grandson. Who is right? who is wrong? At one point in time, I thought I knew. But, as I pointed out at the beginning of this post, when faced with confrontation, I withdraw from the situation. And that is what I have done. Both of them know it.

Here's where I stand. My heart and my gut tell me that my ex-DIL is a good mother. My son, his wife, and yes, even their lawyer has talked to me -- tell me otherwise. And of course, my ex-DIL tells me that my son is a bad father. Which, I don't believe either. Who do I believe? What if I'm wrong? What I DO see is a happy little boy, who IS the brightest bulb in the box. He's smart, witty, and he loves his grandma. I don't see his mother being a bad mother. Yes, a bit over protective, but under the circumstances, I believe she has to be. One example is that because she wanted to homeschool, she is a bad mother, and the courts have MADE her send him to public school.

These issues have been going on for several years now. So, why bring them to light -- on a blog -- at this point in time? Because -- I have just been subpoenaed to testify in court. To say I am SOOO not impressed is an understatement. Yes, I one time I was clearly on one side. But, as time as played out, I have seen that life goes on, my grandson is happy when I see him, and that both of them are decent parents. Yes, we ALL make mistakes. But, this pulling back and forth over this little boy, makes me ill. And yes, the accusations that have been made, they have been serious and have had to be checked out. I understand that. And now, I do not know who to believe, and very selfishly, I am upset that I am being dragged into this. Because I have removed myself from THEIR situation as much as I could, I don't see how I am going to be of any help to either side. I am terrfied of what is going to happen (tomorrow!!). I know, I know. Just answer the questions, tell the truth. Opinions have no bearing, I wouldn't think.

The bottom line is: my heart and my gut tell me that they are BOTH good parents, work out shared custody, and get on with their lives (the court case tomorrow is about changing residental custody). Quit fighting over this little boy, quit seeing what you THINK you are seeing, and just love him all you can. Quit pulling me in the middle, forcing me to take sides. At this point, I'm not taking sides. I have not seen any evidence of wrong doing, on either side that warrants my grandchild to not be seen by one or the other parent. What I do see is that I am shoved in teh middle, being torn by what is put in my head. My heart and gut knows. But the "facts" that have laid out in front of me leave me questioning my own judgement abilities, and to which side I should stand on has taken a gray area.

Right or wrong. I. Just. Don't. Know.

Manic Monday #138

2008-10-20T22:13:00.000-05:00

How long does it take you to get out of bed in the morning? for the most part, just a few minutes. I hear the alarm go off, my husband gets up, goes in, goes to the bathroom, takes his shower, and then he tells me to get up. I usually have to go to the bathroom as well by this time, so no extra prodding from him.

Do you usually sleep on one side of the bed or another? Left side of the bed, on my left side. Thats just how we have always slept; but this weekend, we slept in our new-to-us camper. The bed in our camper was a major deal-breaker for camping. I hated it. It was hard to get around the mattress to get to the side of the bed to just get in bed. The new camper, I just have to step up into the room, and crawl into bed. However. Its on the right side, and because I sleep with a CPAP machine, sleeping facing in is just weird, because of the hose and such. But, sleeping on my right side, on the right side of the bed was not good. I couldn't get comfortable. I'm a creature of habit.

Something you wish to accomplish before the end of the year: My "NAP". I am considering Weight Loss Surgery (WLS) -- and there are 3 goals I have set for myself . N - nutritionist. A - adequate funding P - psyche evaluation (must pass). When I have successful completed everything involved with each of these, then I will call the surgeon that we saw this summer, and we will proceed forward.

More Manic Mondays here

Monday Morning Meme - October 20

2008-10-20T08:12:00.000-05:00

1.What is your earliest memory of a library? Who took you? Do you have any funny/odd memories of the library?
That would be the school library. I grew up in a very very small town (less than 400 population, so we had to drive 10 miles to the nearest town to go to a regular library. Although, as I got older, I do remember going there. But my earliest and best memories of any library, would be in 2nd grade. We got to go to the treasure box and get a prize for reading x-amount of books. But even at that early age, I knew that the real treasure was in those pages. I remember receiving an award for reading 265 books in my 2nd grade year. And I haven't slowed down since.

2. What two things are at the top of your to-do list? When do you think you’ll get around to doing those things? How good are you at crossing things off your to-do list? IFTA report, Paid Assignments for PU2B

I would like to think that both of these things are done by the end of the week. I have probably a expenses sheet/log sheets to check, which should only take me a couple of hours. And then *deep sigh ... inputting all the info into the computer. The whole quarter. Its going to take a while. WHEN I make a list, I'm usually pretty good about marking things off. Its just actually making the list.

3. Where do you come in the family? Are you the oldest? Youngest? Only child? Or smack in the middle? How do you think this has affected the way you grew up? Would you agree with your birth order personality? Are you happy with your birth order, or do you wish you had been the oldest/youngest, etc. Only child here. I think being an only child contributes to my need to stay close to home, close to myself, not comfortable in crowds. I'm a homebody, and thats just the way it is.

Looking at the list, I hate to admit it, but this pretty much describes me to a T (well, maybe except for the perfectionist. :
Only Traits

* Mature faster
* Get along well with older people
* Responisible
* Self-Centered
* Perfectionists
* Attention seekers
* Use adult language
* Prefer adult company
* Have difficulty sharing

4. If it wasn’t for ________ , I would ________.

If it were not for David, I would not be able to say I have been married 25 years (next week)!

Home Away From Home

2008-10-19T21:59:00.000-05:00

Our weekend camping was everything I thought it would be, and more. We rented movies, we grilled steak, we just made ourselves at home in our little home away from home. The weather was perfect, we opened windows and a soft breeze blew threw. When we first got it, I thought my little area would be the slide out area, with the love seat, which is the living room area. But, we put up a 4 x 2 folding table in the kitchen area, David bought me a burgandy colored table cloth, and that area became my little office area. 3 of us could sit there if we wanted, but as it turned out, the guys hung out in the "living room" and I was in my office. Kinda like home [grin]. We had debated back and forth about this 4 x 2 folding table versus a regular folding table. In the house, when we stepped off the measurements, we were convinced that we would be using the square folding table.

But once we got both of in there, and tried both of them, I was happier with the narrower one. I could be working the kitchen area, and someone could be at the table at the computer, and there was room for both of us to work. Using the square card table, which would take up another foot area in the kitchen ... well... we would just get in each others way. I like having more area to spread out paperwork and such sideways that the 4 x 2 table offered, versus the square 3 x 3 table. When we bought the camper, we bought it knowing the refrigerator didn't work. They said it would either take a $400 part, or $1500 to buy a new one. Since we are only going to use it a time or two this fall, we decided we would just "get by". My middle son offered us a little refrigerator he had. It fit perfect at the end of the 4 x 2 table, and I put the big basket of flowers the previous owner had put on their little round table. It just all came together perfectly. We will do something next spring about the refrigerator thats in the camper, but quite honestly, if we didn't fix it, the little refrigerator worked just fine and we had the right spot for it and everything.

I loved being able to sit there and look out the window, the water on the lake, all the leaves swirling around that had fallen.

We took our George Foreman grill out, and that worked perfectly. There is an area between the sink and the stove for it. If I wasn't using the grill, I would put the dish rack there for dishes to dry after I wash them. But because the grill was there, the sink was the perfect size for the rack. I don't know if it orginally came with the camper or someone has installed it later on, but it has a spray hose -- so what I did was fill the one sink with hot soapy water. Washed the dishes, and put them in the drain rack, soap and all -- but its sitting in the next sink space. So, once I had the rack full, I would then take the spray hose and sprayed all of the soap off, and let them drip dry, right there. No wet towels to deal with, and it allows me to have our George Foreman to cook on, instead of dragging out the big grill. I had never fixed breakfast on it, but I tell you what. I am from now on. I use a griddle (electric) to fix bacon and hash browns. I really liked how the George Foreman cooked both. And so quick! And then of course, there was the tea kettle. Making hot chocolate was fun.

It was a great weekend, and I'm hoping we can get at least one more in before the cold of late fall and early winter set in. We truly enjoy our little home away from home.

My New Office

2008-10-18T21:21:00.000-05:00

Today didn't really go like planned, but it was still a good day. It was just a day that time got away from us. We drug our new camper out to the camp area last night. We had packed some stuff from home, but most of the camping stuff was still in the old camper, which David was going to pull out Saturday to transfer stuff over. So, we got out here, set up shop as much as we could, David picked up hamburgers and french fries (okra for me) at a bar and grill that is close to here, and we watch a movie as we ate supper (I know, roughing it weren't we). But, at least we were together as a family, something we don't do much.

Today, David was up and gone by 6:30 -- he had to go pay his drivers. Ethan and I finally drug ourselves out of bed around 9:00. I didnt sleep well, the bed was too hard. But, it seems like from about 4:30 on, I did sleep good, and wasn't real anxious to get up. We get up. But, we hadn't bought groceries yet, so nothing to eat for breakfast, and nothing to cook it in if we did have food.

The plan for today, at least for me, was to work on paid assignments and work on the IFTA report. Its due at the end of the month and I'm running out of time. When it was all said and done, it was probably 6:00 before I got a chance to sit down to do anything. Between running back and forth to town, putting stuff away as he transfered it over ... well, the day just got away from us.

At 8:00, instead of firing up the grill in the dark, we had the foresight to bring out our George Foreman grill. I cooked our steaks, and then did Ethans at 9:30 when he got home from work.

I agree with Ethan. This camper is "home-y". He had me buy a whistling t-kettle to add to the home-yness. The lady who owned it before went all out with the decorations and she went with a country look. This camper has more room to get around in, the steps are more user friendly for me. And its just ... cute. I love it, and have enjoyed being in it today.

And will hibernate in it as well tomorrow, but will spend most of the day in my little office area. I have lots of hours of work that needs to get done. But what a place to do it. My new office.

Who Am I? - Why Know Yourself?

2008-10-17T16:05:00.000-05:00

Why DO I want to know myself? David is going through a Dale Carnegie class, and right they are looking at people who are in a rut, and why. And that is exactly where I am at at. In a rut. Governed by negative thoughts and actions. Those negative thoughts then govern my actions, and it becomes a vicious circle. I need to break out of that circle. Start thinking positively about myself. I have in the past, acknowledged traits and qualities about myself that I liked and acted on. I was neck high in organizing events for the cub scouts and VBS. People turned to me for ideas and help. It was a good feeling, and something I felt like I was good at.

So, why am I not doing it anymore? Part of it was burn out. I got tooo involved. So, I started cutting back. My mom died around this period of time, and truly, it has been downhill from there. I have become less involved in most every aspect of my life, to the point where, beyond working and attending church, I could see myself house bound. I can't stand to be in a crowd. Shopping is out. Even small groups intimidate me now.

Not a good place to be. And the longer I let this go on, the worse it is gong to be. And I deserve better. Looking for that elusive question "who am I?" -- based on things I have been passionate about in the past, that person who organizes events and gets involved, that is who I am. I will never be a "people" person, but I do have alot to offer, if I would just allow myself to tap in to it again.

I am hoping, working through this workbook, I can define the pitfalls and the things that sabotage me, and shine a light on the qualities I know I possess, and bring that light out so I can let it shine. Living in this rut is getting old.

Who Am I? - The Index

2008-10-17T10:50:00.000-05:00

1. Welcome and overview

Why know yourself?
What this program offers
Why are you taking this program?

2. A Mental, Emotional and Physical Foundation

How do you think?
How do you feel?
What are your physical characteristics?

3. Know your strengths and uniqueness

Gifts, talents, skills, character strengths
Life themes
Imagine what you want to be, do and have

4. Become aware of weaknesses and challenges

Weaknesses and challenges
How do you hide? Learn from your defences!
Learn from your projections
What sabatages you?
Limiting Beliefs
Blame and Guilt
Messages from your body

5. Bringing it all together - Who Am I as a personality?

A snap shot for tracking
Fill in the blanks for your life journey - your creed
What is your next growth step?

______________________________
Credit: Higher Awareness

Getting Back To The Basics

2008-10-16T10:34:00.000-05:00

When I think about getting back to the basics of blogging, the first thing that comes to mind is that it is "pre-paid blogging". The days of blogging and not worrying about page ranking, or really, not even your audience. You wrote for the love of writing. This would be like when I blogged at Xanga. I think I blogged at Open Diary prior to that, but when I moved, I deleted the blog. Or maybe, I didn't delete it, but they did after so long because of no activity. Can you believe that? What WAS I thinking?? At any rate, my Xanga blog, in all of its history is still there. And, I do still blog there, but only paid blogging entries (which, if you know me, or as you get to know me, even when I do paid entries, I pull real life into them, and hopefully, make them seem like part of my "everyday" blogging. But, in my mind, there is a seperation of the two, and I want this blog, pure of paid blogging.

What I DO want from this blog is a return of searching. Who Am I? I want to do everyday, this is what is going on, this is what happened entries. But I also want to go beyond that, and involve a personal development plan. I subscribe to a site -- Higher Awareness. It has a monthly fee, and I have subscribed off and on with them for years. I have lots of stuff saved, but haven't implemented much of it.

That sets the foundation of setting a goal here. Pick on of their programs, and blog it. Just like I have tried to do at other blogs ... taking a book, and blogging through it.

So, when you see a title with "Who Am I?" in it, it is part of this program. But, hopefully, along the way, as I learn "who I am", you will too.

Blank Pages

2008-10-15T14:50:00.000-05:00

A true story.

A man died unexpectedly. A few weeks after the funeral, his daughter was helped her mother go through his things. While cleaning out the closet she came across his journal. She was so excited to find something that her father had written. What had he said about her? She sat down on the bed, eager to read about his life. She lifted the leather cover to her face and smelled the musty aroma from being in the closet so long. Then she opened the journal; it contained only blank pages. He father hadn’t written one word of his life. She cried with disappointment.

This is how I feel when I go to Ethan's blog -- Acting Thru Faith. He bounces ideas off me when he is working on his Honor's English homework, and unbiased mom here sees a talent for words and writing there, so I know he could do it. Even if he wasn't a good writer, anyone can blog. Talk about their days. Their thoughts. Their feelings. He has his own blog. His own domain. I suppose its the lack of audience that keeps him from writing. Although, a TRUE lover of the written word doesn't care if they have an audience or not. I'm not a writer, but I do love to write. Comments are wonderful, and I love them as much as the next person. But. I write. Regardless if anyone reads or not. I need to push him a little harder. He needs to be capturing these days. Someday, he will be disappointed that he left only blank pages.

Rain or Shine

2008-10-15T13:11:00.000-05:00

I hope this weekend is better than this week has been. We are camping -- rain or shine. So far this week, its been nothing but rain. And today, it is down right chilly. Ethan is home sick -- he's been out of school all week, coughing up his lungs. He did see the doctor Monday, and he has him on an antibodic and nasal spray. But, I'm not seeing much improvement. And his temp keeps hovering right around 100 degrees. Can't send them to school running a temp. I hate that he is sick this week. I would hate it any week, but this week in particular. The end of the 9 weeks is this week. I'm sure there is stuff he should be making up and getting turned in. Plus, what he is missing this week, he only has a couple days to get it turned it. Its not going to be a good deal.

Anyway, looking at the forecast, it looks like sunshine and 65-70 degree weather. That will work. And quite honestly, we need to see if the furnace works in the camper. Its just one of those campers, where ... turn the heat on, have a spicy candle sitting on a candle warmer, a pot of chili boiling on the stove, a good book, and a warm blanket ... its just has this "homey" feel to it.

We are taking both campers out to the camp site. The old one will go out Saturday, and we'll start transfering things over (plates, pots and pans, bedding, paper supplies). And then we will commense to cleaning the old one and getting it ready to sell. David wanted a project... he has a project to work on now:)